Parenting Trials

I don't even know where to begin.

All this stuff floating around in my head. Keeping me up at night. 

I've been a pretty lousy parent in a lot of ways. 

Yesterday, during a discussion with some of my kids, my eldest daughter (19 years old) recalled an incident. Her perspective on that event left me feeling mortified. What had I done? How could I have so little regard for her feelings? How did she hold her ground against that onslaught?

What I did was take the word of an adult bully. I disregarded her feelings because she was a child, and therefore less. She has an amazing moral fibre. 

What started the whole mess was two fold. Firstly, kids are literalists. Secondly, many, or even most, adults see anything that a child does that isn't expressly permitted as being 'rebellious'. 

This tyrant that I allowed to have too much influence over my parenting and life in general saw every childish thing my kids did as rebellion or defiance. A two year old tapping a window pane with a dumdum. A five year old trying to do as her mother told her. A child entertaining himself for two minutes when his mother let the church door close (which automatically locked) accidentally and he was inside and his mother was out. A girl obeying, to the letter, his verbal instructions but not his intent. 

I am so slow. This must be why I've so many kids. I'm so dense God knows I need extra chances to get it right. He's trying to drum something into my stupid head. :P

What I've realized is that I've acted like a bully. Treated my children like less. Taken personal offense over childish things. Taught my children to be ungrateful and angry. 

I hate what I've been. I want so much to be better. I remember a time when things were better. When I was happy. My husband was happy. My kids were happy. We had so much fun together then. It was brief. Less than a year. Then I let someone else's condemnation drag me so much deeper into despair than I'd ever been. I've been trying to claw my way out of that pit for over nine years. 

Now, I'm a mess. My husband is stressed. My children are angry. 

This must not go on, but I'm so lost about where to begin. How can I mend these relationships? How can I live with joy?

to be continued...

Life Is Going

Things have been pretty good. 

I see a counselor every other week, well it was every other week we'll be every four weeks after this. That has been helpful. 

Still using the progesterone cream but only once a day now. All the supplements and such I'm still using. 

It is nice to actually feel like doing things again. :) I've been doing more of the housework. Have been planning the menu and doing some cooking.  Went to city council meetings two weeks in a row. Also going to a weekly bible study with some friends. 

There are still times when I feel down or overwhelmed, but it's still better than where a was a few months ago. 

Big news is a possible move. We are frantically getting our house ready to sell in hopes of being able to buy a house. The house we are wanting is 5 bdrms 3 ba. On 3/4 of an acre. In the city. Nice neighborhood. The house needs a lot of work but the price, location and size are all just what we are looking for. God willing everything will work out. 

Oliver is 7 mos now. Crawling. Pulling up. Getting teeth. So cute and chubby and such a happy boy! :)

Life is good. 

Sickness

We've been passing strep around at our house for about two months. Cora got it twice. I thought I was going to escape, but no. I was so sick. Ended up at the urgent care and got 2 liters of fluid and some IV antibiotics. Plus the shot I'd gotten the first time I went to the UC and oral pills as well. God willing we have it licked now. 

I missed my appointment with the counselor last week because of being sick. I have an appointment in an hour and a half. I didn't make much progress on my 'homework'. 

Good things: Kyla will be getting a car next week and hopefully her regular license soon after that. Emma has been helping the man at the office. And this week I will start going to a weekly Bible study with some friends. 

Oh! Edward has been using the toilet! He's doing quite well. I'm glad I've not pushed him. This way of letting them figure it out in their own is much less stressful than 'training' them. :)

Therapy and Stuff

Tuesday was my first appointment with a counselor. I've never been to any kind of counseling before so I had no idea what to expect. We talked, well mostly I talked. She gave me 'homework'. :)

Reading through the article and the directions made me feel better. With some goal, some way to combat the negative feelings I have. A rut. That's what I've been in. A rut of always thinking  the most negative thoughts and dwelling on the wrong things. Allowing myself to give in to the worst thoughts. 

The supplement regimen seems to be doing the trick for keeping me on a more even keel emotionally. I have bad moments, or maybe hours, now, not bad days. 

In other news...

It was a very busy week. Tuesday night the five oldest kids, Oliver and myself went to the full moon hike in the canyon. That was fun. On two nights we all walked to the park. Thursday I went to a playdate thing for a babywearing group and learned a couple new carries. This morning (Friday) we went to yard sales. 

I will be really glad when everyone is well again. We've been battling strep for a month and a half! That's getting old. 

Cora started doing 'school' with the little kids. They've enjoyed it. Sara is very excited about writing letters. Now if we can just convince her that 'A' is not the only letter in the alphabet! LOL

It's late so g'night. :)

How It Feels

I hate it. Most of the time I'm okay. Then I get so desperate, trapped feeling. Over nothing. If some incident happens (kids arguing, making messes, not cleaning up, etc) I become agitated. So much that I have no idea how to even deal with it. Not every time but if I'm having a rough day especially. 

The man lost some employees and so he's not been able to be home much. I was really liking him being home during the day. I had a hard time dealing when all that happened. I feel badly about how much of a drain I am to him. He's been really patient though. I'm so thankful for him. 

I've been doing the progesterone cream twice a day. Morning and evening. Not doubling the dose but just spreading it out. That seems to be better... Except when I forget like yesterday morning. 

This morning I added one capsule of St. John's Wart. I'm gonna do that twice a day and we'll see what that does. 

I've been trying to get outside more. Pulling weeds, taking walks, stuff like that. The pulling weeds really is relaxing. :) we went on a guided hike at the canyon Friday. It would have been much nicer if the kids hadn't been complaining.  They didn't like having to stay with the group. We did learn some new things. It was something different that what we normally do when we go. The kids are used to being able to go ahead at their own pace. 

I'm hoping I'll get to take some of the kids to the full moon hike on Tuesday evening. 

My attempt at a yoga class didn't go so well. Poor Oliver screamed his head off in the nursery. I felt awful. I enjoyed the part of the class I was there for so I hope I can do something to get him accustomed to staying in there. I do have a prenatal yoga DVD, I suppose I could try that. Maybe early in the morning before the kids are up. 

So far I'm doing pretty well without the meds. I've not gotten in touch with a counselor yet. The first one the doc referred me to never called back and I've not called the next one the doc recommended. 

:)

I Must Think of Something Else

I've been wanting to go to a yoga class. So tonight I went. I left Oliver in the nursery at the gym. I was really enjoying the class. After about forty minutes someone came in to get me. 

Poor Oliver had been screaming his head off! When I got there I could tell his crying was not just a disgruntled or hungry cry. It was a cry of complete terror. :( it took me a few minutes to calm him down enough to get him to nurse. He nursed himself to sleep. Now he's sacked out. Poor little dude is worn out from all that crying. 

I really need to exercise and yoga is more than just physical exercise. I was looking forward to it. I don't know what to do, but I will not leave him to cry like that again. 

Kyla Had Her Hair Cut...

My Little Chunky Monkey!

Oliver is over 4 months old! Last time I weighed him- a couple weeks ago?- he was 16.2 lbs. he's about 27 inches. He lives playing with his feet and is trying to get up on his knees when I put him on his belly. He's rolling from tummy to back and back to tummy. He coos and laughs. He loves being wrapped. Especially on my back. :)

I'm so very thankful he is such a laid-back and happy baby. :)

Bad Day Monday. Today Was Pretty Good.

Yesterday was good too. It was a long extremely busy day, but good. 

Sunday I forgot the progesterone cream and Monday was awful. Crying. Lost my temper with one of the boys. I got nothing accomplished. 

Tuesday (yesterday) was a pretty good day. I was running around all day. Took Kyla to work. To the pharmacy for me for a hormone test (that I ended up not getting). Had a good talk with the pharmacist. A woman that my doctor has a good opinion of. I bought from her some new multivitamins. For nursing moms. I hadn't been taking a multi for a long time. I also got some vit D drops. 

After that it was off to the urgent care for Cora (she has strep). Then to pick up Kyla and take her home. Then back to the urgent care (the wait was long so I had time to get Kyla). Dropped Cora at home and then went to the pharmacy for Cora's antibiotics and grocery store. Home again to get Kyla and take her to get some stuff. 

While I was out with Kyla- we had the baby (of course) and Wes- a cop shows up at the house. Some nosey neighbor had called and said I'd left just the littles at home. Obviously, that wasn't true. There were three kids legally old enough to babysit and one younger kid for each of them to watch. Why can't people mind their own business? Or ask what's going on if they are concerned j stead of making assumptions and calling the police? 

Anyway, we came home I took time to feed and change Oliver and read a story to Sara and Edward. Then I went to meet a friend for dinner. I came home exhausted but feeling good. 

Today was only slightly less busy. Ellis had a dentist appointment. His tooth is infected so we had to get antibiotics. A few runs to various stores. I found some onsaburg at WalMart for $3/yd. there was only 4.6 yds but I can make a nice wrap with that. I plan to dye it. :)

I felt a bit overwhelmed once today when I was at JoAnn with all the kids and Sara and Edward and Wes wouldn't stay close and Ellis and Gilbert wanted to wander off. The man came and got two of the boys and Cora. 

Cora was unhappy and took off on a walk. I followed her with Oliver strapped on my back. So she and I took a walk to the park and back. Dinner was easy when we arrived home. Tacos! Yum! The man and I chilled on the couch being a bit lazy for a few minutes after dinner. Then I went outside to pull weeds. Oliver really likes it outside. He was very happy in his chair for over 30 minutes. 

Side note: digging in the dirt is very calming. 

Now I'm laying here nursing Oliver while Edward is playing next to me one the bed. Cora and Emma are chatting and being silly in the other room. The other boys are watching videos on YouTube. Not sure what Sara is doing. I plan to take a walk when the man and Kyla get back from Michael's. :)

Oh! The counselor the doc had given me the number for never called back though the man had called a few times and left messages. So I texted the doc tonight and she sent me the number and link for another. 

The doc and I talked the other day about trying a different med. Celexa I think was the one she mentioned. I've not gotten it yet. I would really like to beat this without pharmaceuticals if I can. 

So... I Stopped Taking the Meds

The headaches I was having were just too much. Also, the mental confusion was worrisome. 

I took the last dose on Sunday. Since then I have increased the amount of vitamin B complex I'm taking and have been using the progesterone cream. So far so good. 

It has been very helpful to have the man at home during the day. I have also been trying to talk things out a bit more. It helps for me to just say what is causing me anxiety or what is stressful. If I let the man know what's up he can address it or help. 

I need to remember to call the counselor the OB suggested and see about that. 

Breastfeeding and Babywearing

I love breastfeeding. I love Babywearing. I don't love doing them at the same time. 

I don't think mothers, especially mothers of newborns, should be having to stay busy while they nourish their babies. The frequency of breastfeeding gives moms a much needed time to relax. Especially in those early weeks moms need to rest and bond with their baby. 

Maybe I'm making a big deal out of nothing but it just bothers me a little to have women wearing a breastfeeding infant in order to get work done. I need that down time. I imagine other moms do too. 

Or maybe I'm just jealous because I've never been able to breastfeed while wearing a baby. Or I just like the excuse of "I'm feeding the baby." to get out of housework. Yeah, that's probably it. 

Day 5

Today is going pretty well so far. 

I called the doc about the symptoms I was having (the shakiness, headache, muscle aches, sleepiness) and she said to halve the pills. That seems to have alleviated my symptoms. I still have a headache but I have that most of the time anyway and this is just slightly worse than normal. I'm still sleepy but I do have a baby that is still keeping me up some at night so I suppose that is to be expected. 

I've still had some bad moments but the man has been working mostly from home and trying not to leave me to watch all the kids alone. 

Next week I'm supposed to call a counselor. I'm not really excited about that. 

The man working from home has been nice. He uses the computer most of the day so I don't have the option of sitting there all day. I've been better about getting up and doing things with the kids.  Another helpful thing is that I'm getting better with wrapping Oliver. This morning I wrapped him on my back and cleaned the dining room with Sara and cleaned my room and Kyla and I went to the laundromat. I'm glad that Oliver likes it so much. Makes getting things done so much easier. :)

I still feel the urge to cry sometimes for no reason and the compulsion to run has reared up a few times. I've been able to get through that by either keeping busy or going to my room for a quiet moment to calm down. 

Well, much to do so TTFN :)

Some Backstory

I think I've suffered to some degree with PPD (postpartum depression) after each of my babies. It usually fades after a few months. 

I remember after my second having an episode of feeling trapped, the need to flee being overwhelming. I did once walk out of the house. My poor husband didn't know what to think. 

After my sixth I had suicidal thoughts. That was exacerbated by things at church and some not so nice letters from a 'friend'. For nearly a year before I became pregnant with babe #6 things had been really good. I wasn't losing my temper with the kids. I didn't get frustrated with my husband. Then I got these letters from someone I counted as my best friend. She basically told me I was a terrible wife and a terrible mother. So I gave up mothering. Kind of just shut down and did only the most basic things for the kids. After about six months of that the pastor of our church (we'd had issues with him being critical of our parenting) told me that my kids were so much better. 

Thanks. Nice to know that my kids thrive when I quit mothering them. The truth was that my husband was doing his damnedest to keep the kids away from the pastor and keeping them on a very short leash at church so the pastor wouldn't witness any childish behavior that he deemed 'rebellious'. You can imagine what the pastor's declaration did to my mental and emotional state. I turned into a complete basketcase. 

No confidence in my ability to mother anymore and I was pregnant. I tortured myself with those letters. Read them over and over until I had them memorized. I tried to hide this but it would come to the surface at times. 

So much of what was going in in my head I never told my husband about so he had no idea that I was in such bad shape. When it would all come bubbling to the surface he dismissed it as just a cry for attention, which I suppose it was in a way but he didn't see how serious the problem was. 

So for the last nine years or so I've been barely treading water. Ready to drown. At this point I don't even remember what it was really like when things were good. And it shows in my children. I've kept thinking that I just wasn't spiritual enough that it was sin that made me feel this way. So I didn't try to do anything to help myself. There have been times when I was better and then I would get pregnant again and all the doubt and insecurity would come rising to the surface. 

When I became pregnant with Oliver I felt so overwhelmed. My deficiencies as a wife and mother choking the happiness out of me. Anxiety tainted what should have been a joyous time. When he came and I didn't get that wonderful moment after his birth and I felt no emotional connection it just sent me over the edge. I've been a complete mess. It was better after about two weeks postpartum but then in the last month or so it has just gotten so awful. 

I realized that I really needed some help when I began to have horrible anxiety when Oliver would nurse at night. I just felt an overwhelming urge to flee. To push him away and run. It took every ounce of willpower I had to just lie there and let him nurse. 

So now I'm taking meds. I don't know if I'll keep that up since I'm only on day three and I feel like crap. Weak and tired. Crampy muscles and a vicious headache. If all that is from the meds I think I'll stop taking them. 

This has gotten longer than I intended so I'll stop for now. 

No Use Denying It

So, I've done something I thought I'd never do. I'm taking medication for depression. 

Since before Oliver's birth I have been really struggling. Not all day, every day like I always pictured true depression, but just badly enough to know that I am in real trouble. 

My husband, God bless him, has been so patient. He didn't realize that the way I've struggled for so many years was not normal. This realization has been thrust upon him because I'm unable to function well a good deal of the time these days. 

Right now I feel like I've failed. Failed my husband. Failed my children. Like I should have figured this out years ago and done something to help myself before I got where I am right now. 

I plan to blog regularly about this and maybe do some catch up blogs since so much of what's been going on in my head I've been too ashamed to admit, still am a bit I suppose. Perhaps it will help someone else someday. 

Prayers and positive thoughts are much appreciated. 

Disappointment in Birth

I've been disappointed in birth a few times. Those times that I consented to an induction or the couple of times I received pain meds. With my natural births and especially my home births I never felt disappointed... Until Oliver. 

The back labor was so intense and I needed so much help from my husband to get through the contractions. The dread I felt over letting the midwife help with the cervical lip. The complete exhaustion. There comes a point in every labor where I've felt "I just can't do this anymore", but this was different. Other times it was mostly mental, the contractions were close and intense and I wanted relief from pain. This time it was mental an physical. I had no energy to get through it. I was utterly exhausted. I needed help. I needed more help than I was willing to admit. 

Looking back I see what I should have done. I should have stayed home and slept instead of shopping. I should have let the midwife help with the lip sooner. I should have eaten more earlier on. I should have asked for more support from my midwife and daughters. If I'd let them know just how much I needed their help I would have gotten it, but I've never needed much help before and so I said nothing. Pride. Very misplaced pride, kept me silent. Well... At least on that point. I was making a great deal of noise. 

After Oliver was born I didn't have that glorious moment that makes all the work worth it. He was limp and unresponsive at first and maybe my concern was what took that moment. Even after that I felt... Disconnected. Oliver could have been anyone's child for all that I felt for him. I felt nothing really. Mechanically, I fed him, diapered him and cuddled him. The cuddling was, I think, an attempt to make myself feel what I thought I should. 

I suffered a bad case of "baby blues". I had panic attacks when my husband had to go back to work. Overwhelmed. Completely, totally overwhelmed that's what I felt. All that I felt. 

The human capacity to "soldier on" is quite amazing. I went through the motions. Said what I was sure people wanted to hear, but inside... 

I finally told my husband and midwife how I felt. My husband soothed and said I was doing a great job taking care of the baby. The midwife helped me come to terms with such a difficult birth. The thing she said that helped the most was that having been through such a difficult and traumatic birth would make me a better midwife- if I ever actually make it there. That's when I remembered that knowing that others understand, that they know what it's like helps so much when you are walking through the fire yourself. 

After about two weeks the blues faded and I was back on a more even keel emotionally. I fell in love with my beautiful baby. I realized that birth doesn't have to be that perfect, romantic experience in order to be positive. 

Romans 8:28 "And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose."

Oliver-two months old

This is a little late. 

Oliver is over two months now. :)

At 2 months he weighed a little over 14 lbs and was 24.5 in long. 

He has discovered these wonderful things that he loves to examine. Hands. :)

He smiles a lot. He doesn't fancy the van very much. He likes being worn. I've managed to figure out a good back carry that makes it much easier for me to get things done while wearing him. I still need help getting him in it but thankfully for me I've plenty of helping hands. :) 

We've taken him to the pool a couple of times. He likes the water. He loves being outside. During his evening fussy time, taking him outdoors usually calms him down. 

Well, here's some pic, that's all anyone ever really wants to see anyway! :P

Letter to the Young Man Interested In One of My Daughters

I probably should have written this a few years ago, but I suppose I've been in a kind of denial that my girls are growing up and not wanting to acknowledge that any boy would be looking at any of my girls with marriage on his mind. (And if he is pursuing one of my girls it had better be marriage on his mind!)

First, Young Man, know that we do not approve of "dating". If you are ever permitted to go on a date with one of my girls it will be chaperoned. By her dad. :P I'm kidding! One of her sisters or maybe one of her brothers. We would prefer that you come over and hang out with us. If you are still interested after being with our crazy, rowdy family for a whole day and can handle her dad's funny, hilarious sense of humor you might have a shot at winning her affection and hand. We also encourage you to have her spend time with your family. 

Second, you must be responsible. Have a job and a plan about how you will provide for a wife and children. You do not have to be rich or have a college degree. You do have to be willing to work and able to keep a job. If you spend your days playing video games never involved in any physical labor and expect your mother to be your housekeeper don't waste our time. 

Third, respect my daughter. Keep your hands to yourself. There will be plenty of time for physical affection AFTER you marry her. :)

Fourth, know that we believe, and expect, that marriage is a lifetime contract. If there are difficulties you will work through them. It might be worth mentioning that we also don't believe in getting a state marriage license. You will marry our daughter not the state. 

Finally, it is required that your bloodline carry the gene for red hair. I want lots of red headed grand babies! 

Okay, so I'm kidding about the red hair... A little. :)

If you can handle all of that you may speak to her dad. :)

Oliver Matthew's Birth (long version)

Monday, April 1, I was very sleepy. I'd some mucus the night before and through the morning but nothing else. The man had been at work but got home around 5 and we went out to do some shopping and then went to Abuelo's and split a quesadilla and a chocolate eruption cake. Yum! I was very tired and in retrospect I should have stayed home and slept, but one last night out with the man before babe arrived was nice. 

After we got home the contractions were a bit stronger but not regular or even that close. I lay down and tried to rest while the man got the kids to bed. 

I woke at midnight to a contraction. After a couple of contractions about 10 minutes apart I decided I would wait until 1 to wake the man and call the midwife. The next contraction changed my mind. Woke the man and called L (the midwife). 

L arrived about 1 am. I was sitting on the birth ball between contractions. I could not sit down during them. I got up and paced during them and then sat down again when they were over. Contractions got closer and stronger not long after L arrived the contractions were 4 min apart lasting over a minute. L was timing them. I remember thinking that it seemed so much longer between when she told me how close they were. I was still chatting between. I'd never felt the need to vocalize in labor before. I did this time. At first I just breathed loudly, by the end I was really yelling. I was hungry so the man made me some of these awesome No Bake Energy Bites. He and Cora ate most of them. :P

I got in the shower for a bit. Then went to the bedroom. The man helped my by doing the hip squeeze durning contractions. I tried sitting on the ball during a contraction and found that very uncomfortable. I spent much of the time kind of in a knee chest postion on the bed. Around 3 or 3:30 I started feeling pushy during ctx. I was having a lot of pain low in front and L said that was likely from a cervical lip. So I didn't push just tried to ride the ctx. I remembered what it was like having someone move that lip and I wasn't anxious to have that done again.

Nothing was comfortable. My back ached and the pain in front made it hard to deal. If the man wasn't squeezing my hips during a ctx I just could not keep it together. I was really yelling/growling during contractions by this time.

So I got in the shower. That didn't help much. The man was a trooper and was there to squeeze my hips with every contraction. I'd been giving little pushes while in the shower. By 5 I was done. Exhausted, it was on the tip of my tongue to say "Take me to the hospital and let them cut me open. I'm done". The contractions during that time brought me to tears and I was really screaming. L could tell I was at the end of my stamina. She asked if she could check to see if there was a cervical lip. I fought that for a couple contractions. Poor L, she wanted to help me so badly and I was not being cooperative. I wanted to do it all myself without help. It was hard to give in and consent to the help I needed. I finally let L check for the lip and there was one, just as she'd suspected for two hours or more. She offered to help get babe's head over the lip and a VitB shot. 

I got the shot and a couple ctx later I felt better. Not so worn out and that I could make it through. We were so close after all. I consented to the help with the lip. It was just as bad as I remember. After that things got moving but even so this was my longest second stage ever. Babe was trying to get turned around and OH MY! Did that hurt! It was odd to feel him moving so consciously  with real purpose trying to get in the correct position. Poor boy had a bruised forehead and ear from that. 

I got out of the tub and was going to try and make it back to the bedroom. Instead I sat on the pot during a few ctx and pushed. I stood up and pushed more. The 'ring of fire' was the worst I'd ever felt. I pushed slower than I would have otherwise. I know L was applying counterpressure so I wouldn't tear. I was doing the same in front because I was really worried I would tear this time. If we had pictures of that scene I'm sure it would be funny. There were five adult size people and a preschooler in our little bathroom. :)

Babe's head came slow and the mw remarked that the head was big. Once the head was out I could tell he was stuck. L said what I knew I needed to do, get on my hands and knees. Down on hands and knees I went and the L eventually had to reach in and grab him while I pushed with all I had. And then some! I remember L asking someone the time. 6:36 am April 2. 

When L passed him to me between my legs I noticed immediately that he was floppy and said so. L said she knew. It was strange that I felt a bit panicked, but my voice sounded calm to me. It didn't take long for him to perk up, but those seconds were slightly terrifying. While still on the floor I looked to see if we had a boy or girl. I stood up and held babe face down on my forearm with his head aimed toward the floor to get him breathing well. There had been meconium in the water that was slightly worrisome. Once he was breathing very well and his color was good. I sat back down on the pot so I could comfortably look at my baby.

He had lots of vernix which surprised me. We'd thought he was 'overdue' but the vernix contradicted that. He wouldn't breastfeed right away. Unlike my other babes he just wasn't interested. He also didn't open his eyes. These things bothered me a little and I worried. I didn't really relax until he'd nursed. The cord was quite short. I was holding him just barely up to my breast and the cord was taut. 

The placenta came awhile later, I'm not really sure of the time. 

It took awhile but we eventually got settled in bed. Babe finally nursed. I've never felt so utterly exhausted or beat up from a birth before- except perhaps after my first. It was more from the bruising I had on my thigh and ankle from the varicose veins I get during pregnancy. All the movement had irritated that. The long pushing had physically worn me out, but the pain from the bruising was more difficult to handle.

Mw called it right after he was born and said he was 10lbs. She was only half an ounce off. :) He was a pound heavier than my next largest baby. We didn't settle on a name for a few days. Oliver was 9 lbs 15.5 oz, 22 inches with a 15 in head.

Pics again:

Me just shy of 12 hours before Oliver was born

 L checking babe over

 Me, Oliver and Sara

 Oliver being weighed

 Cora and Oliver

 Gilbert and Oliver

 Sara, Edward and Oliver

 Oliver nursing

 Wesley and Oliver

3 Weeks Old

Little Oliver is three weeks old today!

Two weeks

Oliver is two weeks old. :)

Weighed him yesterday and he was 10 lbs 3 oz. So he's regained birth weight plus a little. :)

We had him to the pediatrician the Thursday after he was born. We were dismissed as patients after that visit because we refused to give him the Vitamin K shot. We tried to compromise with the ped and do oral instead. The office called back and said they would not see him. That really ticked me off. We've been seeing the same ped for over twelve years. We've never done the Vit K before so I don't understand why it suddenly became such a vital issue.

Other than that things are good. Oliver is a happy baby. The kids all love him. I'm tired a lot, but that's to be expected. :)

This little person...

was inside my belly. It is an interesting conundrum that a baby can seem so small and yet so large at the same time.

Oliver Matthew's Birth Story (short version)

Monday I was very sleepy. I'd some mucus the night before and through the morning but nothing else. The man had been at work but got home around 5 and we went out to do some shopping and then went to Abuelo's and split a quesadilla and a chocolate eruption cake. Yum!

The contractions were a bit stronger but not regular or even that close. At home I lay down and tried to rest while the man got the kids to bed.

I woke at midnight. After a couple of contractions about 10 minutes apart I decided I would wait until 1 to wake the man and call the midwife. The next contraction changed my mind. Woke the man called L.

Contractions got closer and stronger. I'd never felt the need to vocalize in labor before. I did this time. Around 3 or 3:30 I started feeling pushy during ctx. I was having a lot of pain low in front and the mw said that was likely from a cervical lip. So I didn't push just tried to ride the ctx.

Nothing was comfortable. My back ached and the pain in front made it hard to deal. If the man wasn't squeezing my hips during a ctx I just could not keep it together.

So I got in the shower. That didn't help much. By 5 I was done. Exhausted and it was on the tip of my tongue to say "Take me to the hospital and let them cut me open. I'm done". The mw could tell I was at the end of my stamina. She offered to help get babe's head over the lip and a VitB shot.

I got the shot and a couple ctx later I consented to the help with the lip. After that things got moving but even so this was my longest second stage ever. Babe was trying to get turned around and OH MY! Did that hurt! Poor boy has a bruised forehead and ear from that.

I got out of the tub and was going to try and make it back to the bedroom. Instead I sat on the pot during a few ctx and pushed.

Babe's head came slow and the mw remarked that the head was big. Once the head was out I could tell he was stuck. Down on hands and knees I went and the mw eventually had to reach in and grab him while I pushed with all I had. And then some!

Mw passed him to me between my legs and I noticed immediately that he was floppy and said so. It didn't take long for him to perk up, but those seconds were slightly terrifying.

He had lots of vernix which surprised me. I got around to seeing if we had a boy or girl after I felt sure he was breathing well.

It took awhile but we eventually got settled in bed. I've never felt so utterly exhausted or beat up from a birth before- except perhaps after my first.

Mw called it right after he was born and said he was 10lbs. She was only half an ounce off. :)

You know what makes me sad?

Women who are glad that doctors abuse them.
Yesterday on a ddg a woman posted about how she'd gone in for an appt at 38w4d and the OB checked her and she was 1cm and then the doc forcefully opened her to 2. It hurt and she bled and yet she was glad he'd done it. :( 

Then another woman in for her 37 wk appt and the OB stripped her membranes breaking her water. She ends up with a cord prolapse and emergency c/s and she is just so grateful that the OB saved her baby's life.
SMH

It is becoming hard to read posts in the birth boards because I know the information women are being given by their doctors is wrong or at the very least misleading. They have been groomed from early in their pregnancy to expect the worst and the OB then has them so afraid it is all too easy to convince them to submit to unnecessary, unwarranted procedures. Dangerous things like induction or a cesarean for not reason.

The women are happy to submit to this abuse. It makes me fear for what the birth culture will be when my girls begin having babies. I'm doing my best to educate them and teach them to question everything but the indoctrination is so pervasive. Women so easily accept the excuses and the false claims of fetal problems.

Is it just me, or is there an epidemic of preeclampsia? And don't get me started on the "your baby will be too big for you to birth vaginally so we need to induce or section you". I'm so disheartened reading the posts on the mainstream birth boards. I know there are communities online of women who do know better, but the vast majority do not. Are those of us in the movement to promote natural birth deceiving ourselves that things are changing for the better because we have the internet and so we 'know' all these other women who believe the way we do? Or is the change real?

Loooooong Labor

I've been laboring for over two weeks.

I know what you're thinking. "Labor doesn't last two weeks." Or "It's just false labor"

Well, I'm here to tell you that you are wrong. I can most certainly tell the difference between Braxton Hicks contractions and the real deal. This is the real deal.

Progress has been slow. If you read this blog at all you know I don't do cervical checks but I've used other dilation assessments. I know the number won't tell me a whole lot but it does tell me that I'm not insane and that this is indeed labor and work is being done.

I'm trying to just go with it. To relax and let things happen as they will. Babe is well. I am well. There is no need to rush things since my EDD is not until the 27 th

I've had moments of discouragement. Times I felt something more should be happening. Wondering why I couldn't just get into a nice predictable labor pattern.

I had a nice talk with my midwife last night. *Sidenote: midwives are so much better than OBs. What OB would come and sit and talk with a patient for over an hour? And then offer to help with housework? * After she'd listened to what was on my mind she said, "Well, now I know why we don't have a baby yet.".

I'm worried about some things. Finances, my husband not being here due to work, the state of my house, etc. some of that I cannot do anything about so I'm just going to have to give those burdens to Jesus. The midwife offered to come help me get some of the housework I want done. My kids have done a good job of getting the basic day to day stuff done. It is the stuff that does not get done daily, that I've been unable to do or really oversee its accomplishment that is bothering me.

I talked with my husband last night too. He is really an awesome hubby and I do not want anyone to think that I do not appreciate him. He's been wonderful when I've had to stay in bed these last two months. He's done an amazing job making sure we all have the things we need each day. I must admit he's a better homemaker than me. LOL his only fault is being a bit of a joker. When I'm serious he makes jokes. So his joking about it not being a good time to have a baby has me on edge. He'll be here when babe comes, I know that, but I have been stressing thinking that he wouldn't be.

So, hopefully now that I've gotten those things off my chest and with some help to get the house the way I want it and the man has promised no more teasing, I will relax enough and babe will come.

Cora's Birth- babe #3

Being an impatient person I had tried to induce labor with Castor Oil at around 38 weeks. That did nothing except make me miserable. At my 39 week OB appointment I scheduled an induction for the following week.

Thankfully, babe had better plans. I woke early on a Saturday morning to contractions. I got up and took a shower and paced around the kitchen and living room. Around 6 am I woke up my husband. We went to breakfast with a guy dh worked with, our normal Saturday routine. I ate a big breakfast and then we went and dropped the two girls off at a friend's house. I called the doula to let her know what was going on.

My husband and I went for a walk. We ended our walk at Fazoli's and had lunch and then walked home.

I was rather tired after being up for nearly 12 hours already. So I laid down and watched a movie. During that time the contractions spaced out to every 30-45 minutes. I slept off and on for a few hours. When I woke up the contractions immediately picked up to about every 3-4 minutes. We were about to leave for the hospital when my in laws showed up with the girls. Needless to say I was a bit peeved. The in laws lived next door to the friend that we'd asked to watch the girls and mother in law had decided that I wasn't really in labor and had picked the girls up and brought them home.

We loaded the girls in the car with us and headed to the hospital. Checked in and was checked. I was at 6 cm. So, I called the doula again. Dh took the girls back to our friend's house. The doula arrived while he was gone.

Dh, the doula and I went for a walk outside. The weather was absolutely beautiful, a rare thing for Florida in May. The humidity was low there was a nice light breeze, the temperature was perfect and the sky was clear.

After that things really got going. I spent some time in the shower in my room. At around 6 pm the OB and her head nurse showed up. The nurse was a bit annoying saying things like, "We could break your water and speed things up." Things were moving along just fine as far as I was concerned so I declined. The doula said to her, "Do you have a date or something? You don't need to stay." :)

Not long after the nurse left I was ready to push. The OB came in and reminded me that I had wanted to use the squat bar and asked if I wanted it. I didn't. Pushing took about half an hour. Cora came out with a head full of dark hair. That was funny because earlier while walking the halls with the doula we'd passed the nursery and there was a baby in there with lots of hair and I said, "I wish my babies would have hair. both mine have been bald." :)

Cora latched right away and nursed like a champ for 45 minutes before I let them take her to the nursery in an effort to get rid of the in laws who had showed up ten minutes after she was born disappointed they had missed the birth. Her birth was by far my best hospital birth. I had a great OB who was willing to let things progress without pressuring me and remembering my wishes.

Just One Thing

If there was just one thing I could convince every pregnant woman of it would be that cervical checks during pregnancy, and even during labor, are absolutely pointless. Barring of course those who have a history of preterm labor or who are suspected of preterm labor.

Dilation will tell you absolutely nothing about how soon babe will arrive. A woman can sit at four or five centimeters for weeks. Or she can be closed up tight hours before birth. Having an invasive, unnecessary procedure like a vaginal exam at the end of pregnancy or in labor is not helpful.

It is not 'something cool to know' either. This knowledge is senseless, purposeless. It is a weapon the OB or medwife will use to discourage a woman and cause her to believe that her body is defective. To have an excuse for intervention. "You're 36 weeks and your cervix is not soft, effaced or dilated at all. We'd better schedule a c-section or induction". "You've been in labor 12 hours and you're only 4 cm we need to do a c-section" "You have been in labor six hours and you're only 2 cm we need to give you pitocin (and or break your water)". "I'm so upset, I'm 37 weeks and not dilated at all! The doctor says I'll need to be induced/sectioned" "I'm 36 weeks and I'm 3 cm. The doctor says I'll go early!" Nonsense all of it!

Doctors get this stupid idea that a woman should dilate about 1 cm per hour from something called the "Friedman Curve". This is bad medicine. Here. Here. Here.

The biggest problem is that women have been conditioned by hearing that dilation/effacement/softening of the cervix is important. The OB wants to start putting his/her hands in the pregnant woman's vagina at 36 weeks. The woman's friends ask about it. The other women on the birth boards online ask about it.  This constant talk must mean something, right?! There must be a reason that doctors do this and women are all concerned about it, right?!

WRONG!

Stop, just stop making this something to tell or ask or attribute some importance to. This is counter productive. It serves only to discourage and cause women to believe their bodies are defective and that they cannot birth without "help".

This link was posted on a group I'm in after I posted this blog. I thought I would add it. It is about how to assess cervical dilation without a vaginal exam. Interesting information.

So, all my natural birth friends, what 'one thing' would you like to convince women of?

38 weeks

Wow! I can't believe how quickly this pregnancy has gone by. :)

Taken yesterday

 Birth kit came Saturday

 Clothes I bought at the discount corner of my favorite consignment shop for $9

 Cloth diapers I bought from a friend for $30!!

 Booties the same friend gave me. It'll be a shame if I don't have a girl! :P

An update for the few of you who actually read this...

About a week and a half ago I hurt my leg. Don't know how exactly I only know that it hurts like crazy, especially when I sit or stand too long. So I've spend most of my time in bed. Then on Sunday/Monday we had a snowstorm blow through that had me having contractions about every 10-30 minutes. Real ones, not braxton hicks. We tried many different home remedies and finally got them to stop after three days. It wouldn't be terrible to have a baby at 36 weeks, but I'd rather wait a couple more at least. Things seem to have settled down now into my typical prodromal labor pattern. Oh joy!

Likely, I won't blog again until after babe comes. So here's some pics...

Really terrible pic of me at 36 wks (taken late at night as an afterthought)

 Finished the wrap! :)

Joovy Stroller I bought at the JBF sale for $60! Sweet deal.

 Easter dress I bought for Sara for $8

Another dress for Sara $3

Boppy with two covers $5

Random Pictures

Because I am up at 4 am for no good reason and I was organizing photos on my computer yesterday...

Edward and Me snuggling after a nap

 Boys being boys

Gilbert reading with Edward

Edward sitting on Sara

Summertime fun

One of many trips to the canyon

Sara

Cora, Emma and Ellis dressed as elves for the youth christmas party

Cosleeping :)

Wesley helping Emma make lemonade

Tippy, our disabled rescue kitty

Emma's Birth - babe #2

I became pregnant with Emma  a couple months after I married my husband. Uneventful pregnancy. I was 'borderline gestational diabetes' so I watched my diet closely toward the end.

I was having the awful prodromal labor again. I was tired of being pregnant. I had tried a few herbal things to try and get labor going. We scheduled an induction when I was just over 40 wks.

Went to the hospital at 5:30 and they started the pitocin within an hour. I think I may have already been in early labor. I spent a lot of time on the labor ball. My husband was great, rubbing my back, getting me ice, etc.

After about 8 hrs of no real cervical change I wanted to go home. I had gone from 2cm to 3cm so the nurse assured me that there was progress. The OB came and broke my water, which made the contractions more intense. After about 12 hours and only being 4cm I asked for pain meds. I got one dose of stadol. I remember at one point every time I would have a contraction babe would go nuts. That hurt so badly!

Finally, after 16 hours on pitocin, I birthed my second baby. I was still under the influence of the stadol so those first couple hours are a bit hazy. Emma was 8 lbs 6 oz and 20 in (IIRC). Her collar bone was broken during delivery. :(

We stayed in the hospital for 5 days because she was jaundiced. They had me scared half to death over that. On the good side, the hospital where I had her they believed in real rooming in. They had portable bililights and so she was never away from me.

The only hospital pic I have of her, poor thing.

At four months