Elia gayle's birth

Elia was a surprise from the beginning. so I shouldn't have been surprised that her transition earthside was so different from my previous births. 

Thursday, August 21, I woke at about 3am to the feeling of leaking when I shifted position in bed. I was instantly wide awake. was that my water? no, can't be. I'm only 35+4 weeks. I don't have babies early. and my water doesn't break before the very end of labour. so I must have just wet myself. no biggie, I'm too tired to get up it can wait. I shifted again. more leakage. I did not wet myself. I sat up. little gush. yeah, definitely not wetting myself. 

freaking out just a little. this isn't supposed to happen. I don't have babies early. yelled at the man to get up. asked for the phone. called the midwife. am I having contractions? no. go back to bed she says. I put a diaper and lay down. mind is racing. I don't have a birth kit. don't have clothes for this baby. it's too early. 

messaged my two friends who I'd asked to be with me in labour. the man decides to go to the office and get things done. Michelle comes over early and brings breakfast and coffee. God bless her! we chat and wait for contractions to start. 

later I decide to try and nap. Michelle goes home to check on things and nap. daven comes over. we talked. I need a distraction so we head to the babywearing group meetup around noon. midwife comes by before we leave to get a swab to confirm water has broken. everyone's surprise at seeing me was fun! :P

after that, home to nap. then shopping for some clothes for baby. contractions picking up. things stall out after midwife says we have a 72 hr deadline. if babe doesn't make an appearance earthside we must transport. stress is bad for labour. have dinner and kids to bed. daven and Michelle and their nurslings stay the night. 

Friday morning. the man makes breakfast. contractions are strong but very far apart. daven and Michelle head home to take care of things and get some rest. daven comes back and I realized I've had no water leakage since first thing in the morning. do another swab around 4pm and its negative. that relieves my anxiety about transfer. not leaking no need to worry, right?

around 7pm daven, Michelle, and me go to dinner. nice dinner. good conversation. we eat and pay and are chatting and I feel a small gush. we hustle out of the restaurant. daven puts a cloth diaper and extra wrap on the passenger seat to catch any leakage and we head home. we talk and laugh about it. we stop for a bottle of wine, cuz I need to relax and get some sleep. 

at home text the midwife. no contractions to speak of so I drink a glass of wine and go to bed. 

Saturday. sometime after 4 am I wake up to contractions. I lay there awhile deciding. I message daven and Michelle. daven asks if I want her to come and I say she could wait awhile. next contraction changes my mind. come now please. they arrive sometime after 6 or so. 

back pain. strong contractions. nothing is really comfortable. around 7 we text Leah(the midwife) that it's time. strong contractions. back aches and legs hurt. I ask for the hip squeeze and it's never hard enough. my legs hurt so much standing but lying down is worse. so I stand. hanging on daven with the man squeezing my hips and Michelle encouraging and getting cool cloths. 

the pain in my legs is constant and makes it hard to be calm and relax. contractions get close. on top of each other. I get sick. the point where I feel I can't do it. I'm too tired. it hurts too much. Michelle and daven reminding me my baby is almost here. I'm doing great they say. 

I end up on my knees leaning on the couch. pushing. babe is coming. I feel her head crowning and I encourage her. she's here and Leah passes her to me between my legs. her cry is good and she's so beautiful. the kids crowd around to see. 

obviously the edd was close. she's early. Leah had the O2 ready. we watch her and she's good at first. slowly she declines. I keep thinking she'll turn around. she'll get it. but no she's worse and we decide to transfer. Leah, daven, Michelle, the man, and me rushing around to get ready to leave. I dress with help and Leah calls 911. 

when the firemen and ambulance arrive it seems to take forever for them to get her in the ambulance and on the way. stupid people don't know how to get out of the way! I'm praying and crying. please God, let my baby be okay. 

so much scary at the hospital. sepsis. too much blood. weeks. they say. she looks so fragile there. tubes and wires all over her. intubation tube mutes her cries. two days later she's so much better. still six more days in hospital.

finally home. rough ride, but worth it all.

I've a feeling of déjà vu

I am quite shocked. Oliver is only 10 mos old. We weren't being careful because, well because the baby wasn't even a year yet and I've never worried about being careful before a year. So here we are again and I'm even more convinced that it is wicked lies that a woman's fertility declines with age. 

Sara (5 yrs old) is over the moon excited. She's been asking for a girl baby since the day Oliver was born. All I've got to say is that this baby had better be a girl. 

Parenting Trials

I don't even know where to begin.

All this stuff floating around in my head. Keeping me up at night. 

I've been a pretty lousy parent in a lot of ways. 

Yesterday, during a discussion with some of my kids, my eldest daughter (19 years old) recalled an incident. Her perspective on that event left me feeling mortified. What had I done? How could I have so little regard for her feelings? How did she hold her ground against that onslaught?

What I did was take the word of an adult bully. I disregarded her feelings because she was a child, and therefore less. She has an amazing moral fibre. 

What started the whole mess was two fold. Firstly, kids are literalists. Secondly, many, or even most, adults see anything that a child does that isn't expressly permitted as being 'rebellious'. 

This tyrant that I allowed to have too much influence over my parenting and life in general saw every childish thing my kids did as rebellion or defiance. A two year old tapping a window pane with a dumdum. A five year old trying to do as her mother told her. A child entertaining himself for two minutes when his mother let the church door close (which automatically locked) accidentally and he was inside and his mother was out. A girl obeying, to the letter, his verbal instructions but not his intent. 

I am so slow. This must be why I've so many kids. I'm so dense God knows I need extra chances to get it right. He's trying to drum something into my stupid head. :P

What I've realized is that I've acted like a bully. Treated my children like less. Taken personal offense over childish things. Taught my children to be ungrateful and angry. 

I hate what I've been. I want so much to be better. I remember a time when things were better. When I was happy. My husband was happy. My kids were happy. We had so much fun together then. It was brief. Less than a year. Then I let someone else's condemnation drag me so much deeper into despair than I'd ever been. I've been trying to claw my way out of that pit for over nine years. 

Now, I'm a mess. My husband is stressed. My children are angry. 

This must not go on, but I'm so lost about where to begin. How can I mend these relationships? How can I live with joy?

to be continued...

Life Is Going

Things have been pretty good. 

I see a counselor every other week, well it was every other week we'll be every four weeks after this. That has been helpful. 

Still using the progesterone cream but only once a day now. All the supplements and such I'm still using. 

It is nice to actually feel like doing things again. :) I've been doing more of the housework. Have been planning the menu and doing some cooking.  Went to city council meetings two weeks in a row. Also going to a weekly bible study with some friends. 

There are still times when I feel down or overwhelmed, but it's still better than where a was a few months ago. 

Big news is a possible move. We are frantically getting our house ready to sell in hopes of being able to buy a house. The house we are wanting is 5 bdrms 3 ba. On 3/4 of an acre. In the city. Nice neighborhood. The house needs a lot of work but the price, location and size are all just what we are looking for. God willing everything will work out. 

Oliver is 7 mos now. Crawling. Pulling up. Getting teeth. So cute and chubby and such a happy boy! :)

Life is good. 

Sickness

We've been passing strep around at our house for about two months. Cora got it twice. I thought I was going to escape, but no. I was so sick. Ended up at the urgent care and got 2 liters of fluid and some IV antibiotics. Plus the shot I'd gotten the first time I went to the UC and oral pills as well. God willing we have it licked now. 

I missed my appointment with the counselor last week because of being sick. I have an appointment in an hour and a half. I didn't make much progress on my 'homework'. 

Good things: Kyla will be getting a car next week and hopefully her regular license soon after that. Emma has been helping the man at the office. And this week I will start going to a weekly Bible study with some friends. 

Oh! Edward has been using the toilet! He's doing quite well. I'm glad I've not pushed him. This way of letting them figure it out in their own is much less stressful than 'training' them. :)