Life Is Going

Things have been pretty good. 

I see a counselor every other week, well it was every other week we'll be every four weeks after this. That has been helpful. 

Still using the progesterone cream but only once a day now. All the supplements and such I'm still using. 

It is nice to actually feel like doing things again. :) I've been doing more of the housework. Have been planning the menu and doing some cooking.  Went to city council meetings two weeks in a row. Also going to a weekly bible study with some friends. 

There are still times when I feel down or overwhelmed, but it's still better than where a was a few months ago. 

Big news is a possible move. We are frantically getting our house ready to sell in hopes of being able to buy a house. The house we are wanting is 5 bdrms 3 ba. On 3/4 of an acre. In the city. Nice neighborhood. The house needs a lot of work but the price, location and size are all just what we are looking for. God willing everything will work out. 

Oliver is 7 mos now. Crawling. Pulling up. Getting teeth. So cute and chubby and such a happy boy! :)

Life is good. 

Sickness

We've been passing strep around at our house for about two months. Cora got it twice. I thought I was going to escape, but no. I was so sick. Ended up at the urgent care and got 2 liters of fluid and some IV antibiotics. Plus the shot I'd gotten the first time I went to the UC and oral pills as well. God willing we have it licked now. 

I missed my appointment with the counselor last week because of being sick. I have an appointment in an hour and a half. I didn't make much progress on my 'homework'. 

Good things: Kyla will be getting a car next week and hopefully her regular license soon after that. Emma has been helping the man at the office. And this week I will start going to a weekly Bible study with some friends. 

Oh! Edward has been using the toilet! He's doing quite well. I'm glad I've not pushed him. This way of letting them figure it out in their own is much less stressful than 'training' them. :)

Therapy and Stuff

Tuesday was my first appointment with a counselor. I've never been to any kind of counseling before so I had no idea what to expect. We talked, well mostly I talked. She gave me 'homework'. :)

Reading through the article and the directions made me feel better. With some goal, some way to combat the negative feelings I have. A rut. That's what I've been in. A rut of always thinking  the most negative thoughts and dwelling on the wrong things. Allowing myself to give in to the worst thoughts. 

The supplement regimen seems to be doing the trick for keeping me on a more even keel emotionally. I have bad moments, or maybe hours, now, not bad days. 

In other news...

It was a very busy week. Tuesday night the five oldest kids, Oliver and myself went to the full moon hike in the canyon. That was fun. On two nights we all walked to the park. Thursday I went to a playdate thing for a babywearing group and learned a couple new carries. This morning (Friday) we went to yard sales. 

I will be really glad when everyone is well again. We've been battling strep for a month and a half! That's getting old. 

Cora started doing 'school' with the little kids. They've enjoyed it. Sara is very excited about writing letters. Now if we can just convince her that 'A' is not the only letter in the alphabet! LOL

It's late so g'night. :)

How It Feels

I hate it. Most of the time I'm okay. Then I get so desperate, trapped feeling. Over nothing. If some incident happens (kids arguing, making messes, not cleaning up, etc) I become agitated. So much that I have no idea how to even deal with it. Not every time but if I'm having a rough day especially. 

The man lost some employees and so he's not been able to be home much. I was really liking him being home during the day. I had a hard time dealing when all that happened. I feel badly about how much of a drain I am to him. He's been really patient though. I'm so thankful for him. 

I've been doing the progesterone cream twice a day. Morning and evening. Not doubling the dose but just spreading it out. That seems to be better... Except when I forget like yesterday morning. 

This morning I added one capsule of St. John's Wart. I'm gonna do that twice a day and we'll see what that does. 

I've been trying to get outside more. Pulling weeds, taking walks, stuff like that. The pulling weeds really is relaxing. :) we went on a guided hike at the canyon Friday. It would have been much nicer if the kids hadn't been complaining.  They didn't like having to stay with the group. We did learn some new things. It was something different that what we normally do when we go. The kids are used to being able to go ahead at their own pace. 

I'm hoping I'll get to take some of the kids to the full moon hike on Tuesday evening. 

My attempt at a yoga class didn't go so well. Poor Oliver screamed his head off in the nursery. I felt awful. I enjoyed the part of the class I was there for so I hope I can do something to get him accustomed to staying in there. I do have a prenatal yoga DVD, I suppose I could try that. Maybe early in the morning before the kids are up. 

So far I'm doing pretty well without the meds. I've not gotten in touch with a counselor yet. The first one the doc referred me to never called back and I've not called the next one the doc recommended. 

:)

Bad Day Monday. Today Was Pretty Good.

Yesterday was good too. It was a long extremely busy day, but good. 

Sunday I forgot the progesterone cream and Monday was awful. Crying. Lost my temper with one of the boys. I got nothing accomplished. 

Tuesday (yesterday) was a pretty good day. I was running around all day. Took Kyla to work. To the pharmacy for me for a hormone test (that I ended up not getting). Had a good talk with the pharmacist. A woman that my doctor has a good opinion of. I bought from her some new multivitamins. For nursing moms. I hadn't been taking a multi for a long time. I also got some vit D drops. 

After that it was off to the urgent care for Cora (she has strep). Then to pick up Kyla and take her home. Then back to the urgent care (the wait was long so I had time to get Kyla). Dropped Cora at home and then went to the pharmacy for Cora's antibiotics and grocery store. Home again to get Kyla and take her to get some stuff. 

While I was out with Kyla- we had the baby (of course) and Wes- a cop shows up at the house. Some nosey neighbor had called and said I'd left just the littles at home. Obviously, that wasn't true. There were three kids legally old enough to babysit and one younger kid for each of them to watch. Why can't people mind their own business? Or ask what's going on if they are concerned j stead of making assumptions and calling the police? 

Anyway, we came home I took time to feed and change Oliver and read a story to Sara and Edward. Then I went to meet a friend for dinner. I came home exhausted but feeling good. 

Today was only slightly less busy. Ellis had a dentist appointment. His tooth is infected so we had to get antibiotics. A few runs to various stores. I found some onsaburg at WalMart for $3/yd. there was only 4.6 yds but I can make a nice wrap with that. I plan to dye it. :)

I felt a bit overwhelmed once today when I was at JoAnn with all the kids and Sara and Edward and Wes wouldn't stay close and Ellis and Gilbert wanted to wander off. The man came and got two of the boys and Cora. 

Cora was unhappy and took off on a walk. I followed her with Oliver strapped on my back. So she and I took a walk to the park and back. Dinner was easy when we arrived home. Tacos! Yum! The man and I chilled on the couch being a bit lazy for a few minutes after dinner. Then I went outside to pull weeds. Oliver really likes it outside. He was very happy in his chair for over 30 minutes. 

Side note: digging in the dirt is very calming. 

Now I'm laying here nursing Oliver while Edward is playing next to me one the bed. Cora and Emma are chatting and being silly in the other room. The other boys are watching videos on YouTube. Not sure what Sara is doing. I plan to take a walk when the man and Kyla get back from Michael's. :)

Oh! The counselor the doc had given me the number for never called back though the man had called a few times and left messages. So I texted the doc tonight and she sent me the number and link for another. 

The doc and I talked the other day about trying a different med. Celexa I think was the one she mentioned. I've not gotten it yet. I would really like to beat this without pharmaceuticals if I can. 

So... I Stopped Taking the Meds

The headaches I was having were just too much. Also, the mental confusion was worrisome. 

I took the last dose on Sunday. Since then I have increased the amount of vitamin B complex I'm taking and have been using the progesterone cream. So far so good. 

It has been very helpful to have the man at home during the day. I have also been trying to talk things out a bit more. It helps for me to just say what is causing me anxiety or what is stressful. If I let the man know what's up he can address it or help. 

I need to remember to call the counselor the OB suggested and see about that. 

Day 5

Today is going pretty well so far. 

I called the doc about the symptoms I was having (the shakiness, headache, muscle aches, sleepiness) and she said to halve the pills. That seems to have alleviated my symptoms. I still have a headache but I have that most of the time anyway and this is just slightly worse than normal. I'm still sleepy but I do have a baby that is still keeping me up some at night so I suppose that is to be expected. 

I've still had some bad moments but the man has been working mostly from home and trying not to leave me to watch all the kids alone. 

Next week I'm supposed to call a counselor. I'm not really excited about that. 

The man working from home has been nice. He uses the computer most of the day so I don't have the option of sitting there all day. I've been better about getting up and doing things with the kids.  Another helpful thing is that I'm getting better with wrapping Oliver. This morning I wrapped him on my back and cleaned the dining room with Sara and cleaned my room and Kyla and I went to the laundromat. I'm glad that Oliver likes it so much. Makes getting things done so much easier. :)

I still feel the urge to cry sometimes for no reason and the compulsion to run has reared up a few times. I've been able to get through that by either keeping busy or going to my room for a quiet moment to calm down. 

Well, much to do so TTFN :)

Some Backstory

I think I've suffered to some degree with PPD (postpartum depression) after each of my babies. It usually fades after a few months. 

I remember after my second having an episode of feeling trapped, the need to flee being overwhelming. I did once walk out of the house. My poor husband didn't know what to think. 

After my sixth I had suicidal thoughts. That was exacerbated by things at church and some not so nice letters from a 'friend'. For nearly a year before I became pregnant with babe #6 things had been really good. I wasn't losing my temper with the kids. I didn't get frustrated with my husband. Then I got these letters from someone I counted as my best friend. She basically told me I was a terrible wife and a terrible mother. So I gave up mothering. Kind of just shut down and did only the most basic things for the kids. After about six months of that the pastor of our church (we'd had issues with him being critical of our parenting) told me that my kids were so much better. 

Thanks. Nice to know that my kids thrive when I quit mothering them. The truth was that my husband was doing his damnedest to keep the kids away from the pastor and keeping them on a very short leash at church so the pastor wouldn't witness any childish behavior that he deemed 'rebellious'. You can imagine what the pastor's declaration did to my mental and emotional state. I turned into a complete basketcase. 

No confidence in my ability to mother anymore and I was pregnant. I tortured myself with those letters. Read them over and over until I had them memorized. I tried to hide this but it would come to the surface at times. 

So much of what was going in in my head I never told my husband about so he had no idea that I was in such bad shape. When it would all come bubbling to the surface he dismissed it as just a cry for attention, which I suppose it was in a way but he didn't see how serious the problem was. 

So for the last nine years or so I've been barely treading water. Ready to drown. At this point I don't even remember what it was really like when things were good. And it shows in my children. I've kept thinking that I just wasn't spiritual enough that it was sin that made me feel this way. So I didn't try to do anything to help myself. There have been times when I was better and then I would get pregnant again and all the doubt and insecurity would come rising to the surface. 

When I became pregnant with Oliver I felt so overwhelmed. My deficiencies as a wife and mother choking the happiness out of me. Anxiety tainted what should have been a joyous time. When he came and I didn't get that wonderful moment after his birth and I felt no emotional connection it just sent me over the edge. I've been a complete mess. It was better after about two weeks postpartum but then in the last month or so it has just gotten so awful. 

I realized that I really needed some help when I began to have horrible anxiety when Oliver would nurse at night. I just felt an overwhelming urge to flee. To push him away and run. It took every ounce of willpower I had to just lie there and let him nurse. 

So now I'm taking meds. I don't know if I'll keep that up since I'm only on day three and I feel like crap. Weak and tired. Crampy muscles and a vicious headache. If all that is from the meds I think I'll stop taking them. 

This has gotten longer than I intended so I'll stop for now. 

No Use Denying It

So, I've done something I thought I'd never do. I'm taking medication for depression. 

Since before Oliver's birth I have been really struggling. Not all day, every day like I always pictured true depression, but just badly enough to know that I am in real trouble. 

My husband, God bless him, has been so patient. He didn't realize that the way I've struggled for so many years was not normal. This realization has been thrust upon him because I'm unable to function well a good deal of the time these days. 

Right now I feel like I've failed. Failed my husband. Failed my children. Like I should have figured this out years ago and done something to help myself before I got where I am right now. 

I plan to blog regularly about this and maybe do some catch up blogs since so much of what's been going on in my head I've been too ashamed to admit, still am a bit I suppose. Perhaps it will help someone else someday. 

Prayers and positive thoughts are much appreciated.