Spiritual Musings

I read a blog this morning that has got me thinking.

I wonder, have I compromised what I believe or have I just relaxed my legalistic expectations?

When I first was saved I believed a woman should only wear skirts, long ones. Now I wear pants except at church. Of course that has more to do with the fact that I have gained a bit of weight and none of the skirts in my closet fit me anymore and I refuse to buy clothes for the size I am right now. And part of it is that I realized that there are times when pants are more modest than a skirt. Like on a swing or hiking. So on that I don't think I've really compromised but just come to a different way of looking at it. And of course the fact that I saw a picture of Rebekah (Pearl) Anast in pants makes me confident that it cannot be a sin. :P

Now there is one area that I do believe I have compromised, or just gotten lazy, and that is TV and movies. We didn't have a tv for the first five years we were married and then my aunt gave us a little 13" tv/vcr combo. At first we just watched the news and educational videos from the library. Then somewhere we got a bigger tv and a vcr. Hubby and I watched a show or two during the week and got movies for the kids to watch occasionally.

Our tv/movie watching has increased until now we watch at least one movie a week, usually more and for a time watched tv nearly every day. We only usually watch the news now. Hubby might watch golf on Sunday afternoon or maybe a show on the science or history channel.

There was a time of about a year when I was severely depressed and I used movies and tv to babysit the kids so that I could retreat into my den of self-loathing and self-pity. I have come out of that...although it is still a temptation at times.

So on tv and movies I suppose I have compromised.

The one that makes me the most uncomfortable is witnessing and passing out tracts. I used to pass out tracts all the time. I got out of the habit when we were going to another church and my motivation for stopping is quite sad. I didn't want anyone to get saved from a tract that had that church's stamp on it because I didn't want them to come to that church. Isn't that awful?! To have so little faith in God is really terrible. I felt smothered and disenchanted at that church. I was scared to death of the pastor. My attitude was not always what it ought to have been and I knew that even then, but I still didn't want anyone else to be subjected to him...I better stop that line of thought.

Anyway, I know on that one I definitely have 'backslidden'. And now I want to pass out tracts but feel like my kids are such a poor testimony in public that it would be bad to do so. And why are my kids such a poor testimony? Well, because for about three years I just stopped being a mommy. I was very depressed, suicidal even, and I had lost all confidence in my ability to properly mother my children. I know that it was, for me, a complete lack of faith. Anyway, now I have a mess, a horrid mess. The three year old throws fits quite a bit and the five and seven year olds are just plain mean sometimes. And they lie and steal. The nine year old has an almost constant bad attitude...I could go on but that would be depressing.

I feel quite hopeless some of the time. In Mike Pearl's audio on "Starting Over" (I think that's the one anyway) he says that if one cannot manage both discipline and relationship that one should compromise on the discipline. Better to have sloppy, maybe even slothful, children than to have rebellious, angry ones. But I do not want either! And what makes it even harder is that I know that the REAL problem is my own attitude. Before I fell flat on my face things were good. My children were not perfect but I was content with them and I was cheerful and joyful all the time...well except maybe at church, but that's another story.

So here I am now mostly discontented and having a bad attitude and knowing all the while that I don't have to be that way. Now it really isn't all that bad. My kids really are great kids. They can do work and usually do very well. It is only when I start getting unrealistic expectations and not taking care to make sure that we are having fun that there is friction. And I have a really wonderful husband that puts up with my attitude with great forbearance and thinks I am doing a fine job as a mom.

I think I have really gotten off topic here...and I don't know how to get back...LOL

I really must go anyway the kids are needing me and I have work to do to.