Therapy and Stuff

Tuesday was my first appointment with a counselor. I've never been to any kind of counseling before so I had no idea what to expect. We talked, well mostly I talked. She gave me 'homework'. :)

Reading through the article and the directions made me feel better. With some goal, some way to combat the negative feelings I have. A rut. That's what I've been in. A rut of always thinking  the most negative thoughts and dwelling on the wrong things. Allowing myself to give in to the worst thoughts. 

The supplement regimen seems to be doing the trick for keeping me on a more even keel emotionally. I have bad moments, or maybe hours, now, not bad days. 

In other news...

It was a very busy week. Tuesday night the five oldest kids, Oliver and myself went to the full moon hike in the canyon. That was fun. On two nights we all walked to the park. Thursday I went to a playdate thing for a babywearing group and learned a couple new carries. This morning (Friday) we went to yard sales. 

I will be really glad when everyone is well again. We've been battling strep for a month and a half! That's getting old. 

Cora started doing 'school' with the little kids. They've enjoyed it. Sara is very excited about writing letters. Now if we can just convince her that 'A' is not the only letter in the alphabet! LOL

It's late so g'night. :)

How It Feels

I hate it. Most of the time I'm okay. Then I get so desperate, trapped feeling. Over nothing. If some incident happens (kids arguing, making messes, not cleaning up, etc) I become agitated. So much that I have no idea how to even deal with it. Not every time but if I'm having a rough day especially. 

The man lost some employees and so he's not been able to be home much. I was really liking him being home during the day. I had a hard time dealing when all that happened. I feel badly about how much of a drain I am to him. He's been really patient though. I'm so thankful for him. 

I've been doing the progesterone cream twice a day. Morning and evening. Not doubling the dose but just spreading it out. That seems to be better... Except when I forget like yesterday morning. 

This morning I added one capsule of St. John's Wart. I'm gonna do that twice a day and we'll see what that does. 

I've been trying to get outside more. Pulling weeds, taking walks, stuff like that. The pulling weeds really is relaxing. :) we went on a guided hike at the canyon Friday. It would have been much nicer if the kids hadn't been complaining.  They didn't like having to stay with the group. We did learn some new things. It was something different that what we normally do when we go. The kids are used to being able to go ahead at their own pace. 

I'm hoping I'll get to take some of the kids to the full moon hike on Tuesday evening. 

My attempt at a yoga class didn't go so well. Poor Oliver screamed his head off in the nursery. I felt awful. I enjoyed the part of the class I was there for so I hope I can do something to get him accustomed to staying in there. I do have a prenatal yoga DVD, I suppose I could try that. Maybe early in the morning before the kids are up. 

So far I'm doing pretty well without the meds. I've not gotten in touch with a counselor yet. The first one the doc referred me to never called back and I've not called the next one the doc recommended. 

:)

I Must Think of Something Else

I've been wanting to go to a yoga class. So tonight I went. I left Oliver in the nursery at the gym. I was really enjoying the class. After about forty minutes someone came in to get me. 

Poor Oliver had been screaming his head off! When I got there I could tell his crying was not just a disgruntled or hungry cry. It was a cry of complete terror. :( it took me a few minutes to calm him down enough to get him to nurse. He nursed himself to sleep. Now he's sacked out. Poor little dude is worn out from all that crying. 

I really need to exercise and yoga is more than just physical exercise. I was looking forward to it. I don't know what to do, but I will not leave him to cry like that again. 

Kyla Had Her Hair Cut...

My Little Chunky Monkey!

Oliver is over 4 months old! Last time I weighed him- a couple weeks ago?- he was 16.2 lbs. he's about 27 inches. He lives playing with his feet and is trying to get up on his knees when I put him on his belly. He's rolling from tummy to back and back to tummy. He coos and laughs. He loves being wrapped. Especially on my back. :)

I'm so very thankful he is such a laid-back and happy baby. :)

Bad Day Monday. Today Was Pretty Good.

Yesterday was good too. It was a long extremely busy day, but good. 

Sunday I forgot the progesterone cream and Monday was awful. Crying. Lost my temper with one of the boys. I got nothing accomplished. 

Tuesday (yesterday) was a pretty good day. I was running around all day. Took Kyla to work. To the pharmacy for me for a hormone test (that I ended up not getting). Had a good talk with the pharmacist. A woman that my doctor has a good opinion of. I bought from her some new multivitamins. For nursing moms. I hadn't been taking a multi for a long time. I also got some vit D drops. 

After that it was off to the urgent care for Cora (she has strep). Then to pick up Kyla and take her home. Then back to the urgent care (the wait was long so I had time to get Kyla). Dropped Cora at home and then went to the pharmacy for Cora's antibiotics and grocery store. Home again to get Kyla and take her to get some stuff. 

While I was out with Kyla- we had the baby (of course) and Wes- a cop shows up at the house. Some nosey neighbor had called and said I'd left just the littles at home. Obviously, that wasn't true. There were three kids legally old enough to babysit and one younger kid for each of them to watch. Why can't people mind their own business? Or ask what's going on if they are concerned j stead of making assumptions and calling the police? 

Anyway, we came home I took time to feed and change Oliver and read a story to Sara and Edward. Then I went to meet a friend for dinner. I came home exhausted but feeling good. 

Today was only slightly less busy. Ellis had a dentist appointment. His tooth is infected so we had to get antibiotics. A few runs to various stores. I found some onsaburg at WalMart for $3/yd. there was only 4.6 yds but I can make a nice wrap with that. I plan to dye it. :)

I felt a bit overwhelmed once today when I was at JoAnn with all the kids and Sara and Edward and Wes wouldn't stay close and Ellis and Gilbert wanted to wander off. The man came and got two of the boys and Cora. 

Cora was unhappy and took off on a walk. I followed her with Oliver strapped on my back. So she and I took a walk to the park and back. Dinner was easy when we arrived home. Tacos! Yum! The man and I chilled on the couch being a bit lazy for a few minutes after dinner. Then I went outside to pull weeds. Oliver really likes it outside. He was very happy in his chair for over 30 minutes. 

Side note: digging in the dirt is very calming. 

Now I'm laying here nursing Oliver while Edward is playing next to me one the bed. Cora and Emma are chatting and being silly in the other room. The other boys are watching videos on YouTube. Not sure what Sara is doing. I plan to take a walk when the man and Kyla get back from Michael's. :)

Oh! The counselor the doc had given me the number for never called back though the man had called a few times and left messages. So I texted the doc tonight and she sent me the number and link for another. 

The doc and I talked the other day about trying a different med. Celexa I think was the one she mentioned. I've not gotten it yet. I would really like to beat this without pharmaceuticals if I can. 

So... I Stopped Taking the Meds

The headaches I was having were just too much. Also, the mental confusion was worrisome. 

I took the last dose on Sunday. Since then I have increased the amount of vitamin B complex I'm taking and have been using the progesterone cream. So far so good. 

It has been very helpful to have the man at home during the day. I have also been trying to talk things out a bit more. It helps for me to just say what is causing me anxiety or what is stressful. If I let the man know what's up he can address it or help. 

I need to remember to call the counselor the OB suggested and see about that. 

Breastfeeding and Babywearing

I love breastfeeding. I love Babywearing. I don't love doing them at the same time. 

I don't think mothers, especially mothers of newborns, should be having to stay busy while they nourish their babies. The frequency of breastfeeding gives moms a much needed time to relax. Especially in those early weeks moms need to rest and bond with their baby. 

Maybe I'm making a big deal out of nothing but it just bothers me a little to have women wearing a breastfeeding infant in order to get work done. I need that down time. I imagine other moms do too. 

Or maybe I'm just jealous because I've never been able to breastfeed while wearing a baby. Or I just like the excuse of "I'm feeding the baby." to get out of housework. Yeah, that's probably it. 

Day 5

Today is going pretty well so far. 

I called the doc about the symptoms I was having (the shakiness, headache, muscle aches, sleepiness) and she said to halve the pills. That seems to have alleviated my symptoms. I still have a headache but I have that most of the time anyway and this is just slightly worse than normal. I'm still sleepy but I do have a baby that is still keeping me up some at night so I suppose that is to be expected. 

I've still had some bad moments but the man has been working mostly from home and trying not to leave me to watch all the kids alone. 

Next week I'm supposed to call a counselor. I'm not really excited about that. 

The man working from home has been nice. He uses the computer most of the day so I don't have the option of sitting there all day. I've been better about getting up and doing things with the kids.  Another helpful thing is that I'm getting better with wrapping Oliver. This morning I wrapped him on my back and cleaned the dining room with Sara and cleaned my room and Kyla and I went to the laundromat. I'm glad that Oliver likes it so much. Makes getting things done so much easier. :)

I still feel the urge to cry sometimes for no reason and the compulsion to run has reared up a few times. I've been able to get through that by either keeping busy or going to my room for a quiet moment to calm down. 

Well, much to do so TTFN :)