Elia gayle's birth

Elia was a surprise from the beginning. so I shouldn't have been surprised that her transition earthside was so different from my previous births. 

Thursday, August 21, I woke at about 3am to the feeling of leaking when I shifted position in bed. I was instantly wide awake. was that my water? no, can't be. I'm only 35+4 weeks. I don't have babies early. and my water doesn't break before the very end of labour. so I must have just wet myself. no biggie, I'm too tired to get up it can wait. I shifted again. more leakage. I did not wet myself. I sat up. little gush. yeah, definitely not wetting myself. 

freaking out just a little. this isn't supposed to happen. I don't have babies early. yelled at the man to get up. asked for the phone. called the midwife. am I having contractions? no. go back to bed she says. I put a diaper and lay down. mind is racing. I don't have a birth kit. don't have clothes for this baby. it's too early. 

messaged my two friends who I'd asked to be with me in labour. the man decides to go to the office and get things done. Michelle comes over early and brings breakfast and coffee. God bless her! we chat and wait for contractions to start. 

later I decide to try and nap. Michelle goes home to check on things and nap. daven comes over. we talked. I need a distraction so we head to the babywearing group meetup around noon. midwife comes by before we leave to get a swab to confirm water has broken. everyone's surprise at seeing me was fun! :P

after that, home to nap. then shopping for some clothes for baby. contractions picking up. things stall out after midwife says we have a 72 hr deadline. if babe doesn't make an appearance earthside we must transport. stress is bad for labour. have dinner and kids to bed. daven and Michelle and their nurslings stay the night. 

Friday morning. the man makes breakfast. contractions are strong but very far apart. daven and Michelle head home to take care of things and get some rest. daven comes back and I realized I've had no water leakage since first thing in the morning. do another swab around 4pm and its negative. that relieves my anxiety about transfer. not leaking no need to worry, right?

around 7pm daven, Michelle, and me go to dinner. nice dinner. good conversation. we eat and pay and are chatting and I feel a small gush. we hustle out of the restaurant. daven puts a cloth diaper and extra wrap on the passenger seat to catch any leakage and we head home. we talk and laugh about it. we stop for a bottle of wine, cuz I need to relax and get some sleep. 

at home text the midwife. no contractions to speak of so I drink a glass of wine and go to bed. 

Saturday. sometime after 4 am I wake up to contractions. I lay there awhile deciding. I message daven and Michelle. daven asks if I want her to come and I say she could wait awhile. next contraction changes my mind. come now please. they arrive sometime after 6 or so. 

back pain. strong contractions. nothing is really comfortable. around 7 we text Leah(the midwife) that it's time. strong contractions. back aches and legs hurt. I ask for the hip squeeze and it's never hard enough. my legs hurt so much standing but lying down is worse. so I stand. hanging on daven with the man squeezing my hips and Michelle encouraging and getting cool cloths. 

the pain in my legs is constant and makes it hard to be calm and relax. contractions get close. on top of each other. I get sick. the point where I feel I can't do it. I'm too tired. it hurts too much. Michelle and daven reminding me my baby is almost here. I'm doing great they say. 

I end up on my knees leaning on the couch. pushing. babe is coming. I feel her head crowning and I encourage her. she's here and Leah passes her to me between my legs. her cry is good and she's so beautiful. the kids crowd around to see. 

obviously the edd was close. she's early. Leah had the O2 ready. we watch her and she's good at first. slowly she declines. I keep thinking she'll turn around. she'll get it. but no she's worse and we decide to transfer. Leah, daven, Michelle, the man, and me rushing around to get ready to leave. I dress with help and Leah calls 911. 

when the firemen and ambulance arrive it seems to take forever for them to get her in the ambulance and on the way. stupid people don't know how to get out of the way! I'm praying and crying. please God, let my baby be okay. 

so much scary at the hospital. sepsis. too much blood. weeks. they say. she looks so fragile there. tubes and wires all over her. intubation tube mutes her cries. two days later she's so much better. still six more days in hospital.

finally home. rough ride, but worth it all.

I've a feeling of déjà vu

I am quite shocked. Oliver is only 10 mos old. We weren't being careful because, well because the baby wasn't even a year yet and I've never worried about being careful before a year. So here we are again and I'm even more convinced that it is wicked lies that a woman's fertility declines with age. 

Sara (5 yrs old) is over the moon excited. She's been asking for a girl baby since the day Oliver was born. All I've got to say is that this baby had better be a girl. 

Parenting Trials

I don't even know where to begin.

All this stuff floating around in my head. Keeping me up at night. 

I've been a pretty lousy parent in a lot of ways. 

Yesterday, during a discussion with some of my kids, my eldest daughter (19 years old) recalled an incident. Her perspective on that event left me feeling mortified. What had I done? How could I have so little regard for her feelings? How did she hold her ground against that onslaught?

What I did was take the word of an adult bully. I disregarded her feelings because she was a child, and therefore less. She has an amazing moral fibre. 

What started the whole mess was two fold. Firstly, kids are literalists. Secondly, many, or even most, adults see anything that a child does that isn't expressly permitted as being 'rebellious'. 

This tyrant that I allowed to have too much influence over my parenting and life in general saw every childish thing my kids did as rebellion or defiance. A two year old tapping a window pane with a dumdum. A five year old trying to do as her mother told her. A child entertaining himself for two minutes when his mother let the church door close (which automatically locked) accidentally and he was inside and his mother was out. A girl obeying, to the letter, his verbal instructions but not his intent. 

I am so slow. This must be why I've so many kids. I'm so dense God knows I need extra chances to get it right. He's trying to drum something into my stupid head. :P

What I've realized is that I've acted like a bully. Treated my children like less. Taken personal offense over childish things. Taught my children to be ungrateful and angry. 

I hate what I've been. I want so much to be better. I remember a time when things were better. When I was happy. My husband was happy. My kids were happy. We had so much fun together then. It was brief. Less than a year. Then I let someone else's condemnation drag me so much deeper into despair than I'd ever been. I've been trying to claw my way out of that pit for over nine years. 

Now, I'm a mess. My husband is stressed. My children are angry. 

This must not go on, but I'm so lost about where to begin. How can I mend these relationships? How can I live with joy?

to be continued...

Life Is Going

Things have been pretty good. 

I see a counselor every other week, well it was every other week we'll be every four weeks after this. That has been helpful. 

Still using the progesterone cream but only once a day now. All the supplements and such I'm still using. 

It is nice to actually feel like doing things again. :) I've been doing more of the housework. Have been planning the menu and doing some cooking.  Went to city council meetings two weeks in a row. Also going to a weekly bible study with some friends. 

There are still times when I feel down or overwhelmed, but it's still better than where a was a few months ago. 

Big news is a possible move. We are frantically getting our house ready to sell in hopes of being able to buy a house. The house we are wanting is 5 bdrms 3 ba. On 3/4 of an acre. In the city. Nice neighborhood. The house needs a lot of work but the price, location and size are all just what we are looking for. God willing everything will work out. 

Oliver is 7 mos now. Crawling. Pulling up. Getting teeth. So cute and chubby and such a happy boy! :)

Life is good. 

Sickness

We've been passing strep around at our house for about two months. Cora got it twice. I thought I was going to escape, but no. I was so sick. Ended up at the urgent care and got 2 liters of fluid and some IV antibiotics. Plus the shot I'd gotten the first time I went to the UC and oral pills as well. God willing we have it licked now. 

I missed my appointment with the counselor last week because of being sick. I have an appointment in an hour and a half. I didn't make much progress on my 'homework'. 

Good things: Kyla will be getting a car next week and hopefully her regular license soon after that. Emma has been helping the man at the office. And this week I will start going to a weekly Bible study with some friends. 

Oh! Edward has been using the toilet! He's doing quite well. I'm glad I've not pushed him. This way of letting them figure it out in their own is much less stressful than 'training' them. :)

Therapy and Stuff

Tuesday was my first appointment with a counselor. I've never been to any kind of counseling before so I had no idea what to expect. We talked, well mostly I talked. She gave me 'homework'. :)

Reading through the article and the directions made me feel better. With some goal, some way to combat the negative feelings I have. A rut. That's what I've been in. A rut of always thinking  the most negative thoughts and dwelling on the wrong things. Allowing myself to give in to the worst thoughts. 

The supplement regimen seems to be doing the trick for keeping me on a more even keel emotionally. I have bad moments, or maybe hours, now, not bad days. 

In other news...

It was a very busy week. Tuesday night the five oldest kids, Oliver and myself went to the full moon hike in the canyon. That was fun. On two nights we all walked to the park. Thursday I went to a playdate thing for a babywearing group and learned a couple new carries. This morning (Friday) we went to yard sales. 

I will be really glad when everyone is well again. We've been battling strep for a month and a half! That's getting old. 

Cora started doing 'school' with the little kids. They've enjoyed it. Sara is very excited about writing letters. Now if we can just convince her that 'A' is not the only letter in the alphabet! LOL

It's late so g'night. :)

How It Feels

I hate it. Most of the time I'm okay. Then I get so desperate, trapped feeling. Over nothing. If some incident happens (kids arguing, making messes, not cleaning up, etc) I become agitated. So much that I have no idea how to even deal with it. Not every time but if I'm having a rough day especially. 

The man lost some employees and so he's not been able to be home much. I was really liking him being home during the day. I had a hard time dealing when all that happened. I feel badly about how much of a drain I am to him. He's been really patient though. I'm so thankful for him. 

I've been doing the progesterone cream twice a day. Morning and evening. Not doubling the dose but just spreading it out. That seems to be better... Except when I forget like yesterday morning. 

This morning I added one capsule of St. John's Wart. I'm gonna do that twice a day and we'll see what that does. 

I've been trying to get outside more. Pulling weeds, taking walks, stuff like that. The pulling weeds really is relaxing. :) we went on a guided hike at the canyon Friday. It would have been much nicer if the kids hadn't been complaining.  They didn't like having to stay with the group. We did learn some new things. It was something different that what we normally do when we go. The kids are used to being able to go ahead at their own pace. 

I'm hoping I'll get to take some of the kids to the full moon hike on Tuesday evening. 

My attempt at a yoga class didn't go so well. Poor Oliver screamed his head off in the nursery. I felt awful. I enjoyed the part of the class I was there for so I hope I can do something to get him accustomed to staying in there. I do have a prenatal yoga DVD, I suppose I could try that. Maybe early in the morning before the kids are up. 

So far I'm doing pretty well without the meds. I've not gotten in touch with a counselor yet. The first one the doc referred me to never called back and I've not called the next one the doc recommended. 

:)

I Must Think of Something Else

I've been wanting to go to a yoga class. So tonight I went. I left Oliver in the nursery at the gym. I was really enjoying the class. After about forty minutes someone came in to get me. 

Poor Oliver had been screaming his head off! When I got there I could tell his crying was not just a disgruntled or hungry cry. It was a cry of complete terror. :( it took me a few minutes to calm him down enough to get him to nurse. He nursed himself to sleep. Now he's sacked out. Poor little dude is worn out from all that crying. 

I really need to exercise and yoga is more than just physical exercise. I was looking forward to it. I don't know what to do, but I will not leave him to cry like that again. 

Kyla Had Her Hair Cut...

My Little Chunky Monkey!

Oliver is over 4 months old! Last time I weighed him- a couple weeks ago?- he was 16.2 lbs. he's about 27 inches. He lives playing with his feet and is trying to get up on his knees when I put him on his belly. He's rolling from tummy to back and back to tummy. He coos and laughs. He loves being wrapped. Especially on my back. :)

I'm so very thankful he is such a laid-back and happy baby. :)

Bad Day Monday. Today Was Pretty Good.

Yesterday was good too. It was a long extremely busy day, but good. 

Sunday I forgot the progesterone cream and Monday was awful. Crying. Lost my temper with one of the boys. I got nothing accomplished. 

Tuesday (yesterday) was a pretty good day. I was running around all day. Took Kyla to work. To the pharmacy for me for a hormone test (that I ended up not getting). Had a good talk with the pharmacist. A woman that my doctor has a good opinion of. I bought from her some new multivitamins. For nursing moms. I hadn't been taking a multi for a long time. I also got some vit D drops. 

After that it was off to the urgent care for Cora (she has strep). Then to pick up Kyla and take her home. Then back to the urgent care (the wait was long so I had time to get Kyla). Dropped Cora at home and then went to the pharmacy for Cora's antibiotics and grocery store. Home again to get Kyla and take her to get some stuff. 

While I was out with Kyla- we had the baby (of course) and Wes- a cop shows up at the house. Some nosey neighbor had called and said I'd left just the littles at home. Obviously, that wasn't true. There were three kids legally old enough to babysit and one younger kid for each of them to watch. Why can't people mind their own business? Or ask what's going on if they are concerned j stead of making assumptions and calling the police? 

Anyway, we came home I took time to feed and change Oliver and read a story to Sara and Edward. Then I went to meet a friend for dinner. I came home exhausted but feeling good. 

Today was only slightly less busy. Ellis had a dentist appointment. His tooth is infected so we had to get antibiotics. A few runs to various stores. I found some onsaburg at WalMart for $3/yd. there was only 4.6 yds but I can make a nice wrap with that. I plan to dye it. :)

I felt a bit overwhelmed once today when I was at JoAnn with all the kids and Sara and Edward and Wes wouldn't stay close and Ellis and Gilbert wanted to wander off. The man came and got two of the boys and Cora. 

Cora was unhappy and took off on a walk. I followed her with Oliver strapped on my back. So she and I took a walk to the park and back. Dinner was easy when we arrived home. Tacos! Yum! The man and I chilled on the couch being a bit lazy for a few minutes after dinner. Then I went outside to pull weeds. Oliver really likes it outside. He was very happy in his chair for over 30 minutes. 

Side note: digging in the dirt is very calming. 

Now I'm laying here nursing Oliver while Edward is playing next to me one the bed. Cora and Emma are chatting and being silly in the other room. The other boys are watching videos on YouTube. Not sure what Sara is doing. I plan to take a walk when the man and Kyla get back from Michael's. :)

Oh! The counselor the doc had given me the number for never called back though the man had called a few times and left messages. So I texted the doc tonight and she sent me the number and link for another. 

The doc and I talked the other day about trying a different med. Celexa I think was the one she mentioned. I've not gotten it yet. I would really like to beat this without pharmaceuticals if I can. 

So... I Stopped Taking the Meds

The headaches I was having were just too much. Also, the mental confusion was worrisome. 

I took the last dose on Sunday. Since then I have increased the amount of vitamin B complex I'm taking and have been using the progesterone cream. So far so good. 

It has been very helpful to have the man at home during the day. I have also been trying to talk things out a bit more. It helps for me to just say what is causing me anxiety or what is stressful. If I let the man know what's up he can address it or help. 

I need to remember to call the counselor the OB suggested and see about that. 

Breastfeeding and Babywearing

I love breastfeeding. I love Babywearing. I don't love doing them at the same time. 

I don't think mothers, especially mothers of newborns, should be having to stay busy while they nourish their babies. The frequency of breastfeeding gives moms a much needed time to relax. Especially in those early weeks moms need to rest and bond with their baby. 

Maybe I'm making a big deal out of nothing but it just bothers me a little to have women wearing a breastfeeding infant in order to get work done. I need that down time. I imagine other moms do too. 

Or maybe I'm just jealous because I've never been able to breastfeed while wearing a baby. Or I just like the excuse of "I'm feeding the baby." to get out of housework. Yeah, that's probably it. 

Day 5

Today is going pretty well so far. 

I called the doc about the symptoms I was having (the shakiness, headache, muscle aches, sleepiness) and she said to halve the pills. That seems to have alleviated my symptoms. I still have a headache but I have that most of the time anyway and this is just slightly worse than normal. I'm still sleepy but I do have a baby that is still keeping me up some at night so I suppose that is to be expected. 

I've still had some bad moments but the man has been working mostly from home and trying not to leave me to watch all the kids alone. 

Next week I'm supposed to call a counselor. I'm not really excited about that. 

The man working from home has been nice. He uses the computer most of the day so I don't have the option of sitting there all day. I've been better about getting up and doing things with the kids.  Another helpful thing is that I'm getting better with wrapping Oliver. This morning I wrapped him on my back and cleaned the dining room with Sara and cleaned my room and Kyla and I went to the laundromat. I'm glad that Oliver likes it so much. Makes getting things done so much easier. :)

I still feel the urge to cry sometimes for no reason and the compulsion to run has reared up a few times. I've been able to get through that by either keeping busy or going to my room for a quiet moment to calm down. 

Well, much to do so TTFN :)

Some Backstory

I think I've suffered to some degree with PPD (postpartum depression) after each of my babies. It usually fades after a few months. 

I remember after my second having an episode of feeling trapped, the need to flee being overwhelming. I did once walk out of the house. My poor husband didn't know what to think. 

After my sixth I had suicidal thoughts. That was exacerbated by things at church and some not so nice letters from a 'friend'. For nearly a year before I became pregnant with babe #6 things had been really good. I wasn't losing my temper with the kids. I didn't get frustrated with my husband. Then I got these letters from someone I counted as my best friend. She basically told me I was a terrible wife and a terrible mother. So I gave up mothering. Kind of just shut down and did only the most basic things for the kids. After about six months of that the pastor of our church (we'd had issues with him being critical of our parenting) told me that my kids were so much better. 

Thanks. Nice to know that my kids thrive when I quit mothering them. The truth was that my husband was doing his damnedest to keep the kids away from the pastor and keeping them on a very short leash at church so the pastor wouldn't witness any childish behavior that he deemed 'rebellious'. You can imagine what the pastor's declaration did to my mental and emotional state. I turned into a complete basketcase. 

No confidence in my ability to mother anymore and I was pregnant. I tortured myself with those letters. Read them over and over until I had them memorized. I tried to hide this but it would come to the surface at times. 

So much of what was going in in my head I never told my husband about so he had no idea that I was in such bad shape. When it would all come bubbling to the surface he dismissed it as just a cry for attention, which I suppose it was in a way but he didn't see how serious the problem was. 

So for the last nine years or so I've been barely treading water. Ready to drown. At this point I don't even remember what it was really like when things were good. And it shows in my children. I've kept thinking that I just wasn't spiritual enough that it was sin that made me feel this way. So I didn't try to do anything to help myself. There have been times when I was better and then I would get pregnant again and all the doubt and insecurity would come rising to the surface. 

When I became pregnant with Oliver I felt so overwhelmed. My deficiencies as a wife and mother choking the happiness out of me. Anxiety tainted what should have been a joyous time. When he came and I didn't get that wonderful moment after his birth and I felt no emotional connection it just sent me over the edge. I've been a complete mess. It was better after about two weeks postpartum but then in the last month or so it has just gotten so awful. 

I realized that I really needed some help when I began to have horrible anxiety when Oliver would nurse at night. I just felt an overwhelming urge to flee. To push him away and run. It took every ounce of willpower I had to just lie there and let him nurse. 

So now I'm taking meds. I don't know if I'll keep that up since I'm only on day three and I feel like crap. Weak and tired. Crampy muscles and a vicious headache. If all that is from the meds I think I'll stop taking them. 

This has gotten longer than I intended so I'll stop for now. 

No Use Denying It

So, I've done something I thought I'd never do. I'm taking medication for depression. 

Since before Oliver's birth I have been really struggling. Not all day, every day like I always pictured true depression, but just badly enough to know that I am in real trouble. 

My husband, God bless him, has been so patient. He didn't realize that the way I've struggled for so many years was not normal. This realization has been thrust upon him because I'm unable to function well a good deal of the time these days. 

Right now I feel like I've failed. Failed my husband. Failed my children. Like I should have figured this out years ago and done something to help myself before I got where I am right now. 

I plan to blog regularly about this and maybe do some catch up blogs since so much of what's been going on in my head I've been too ashamed to admit, still am a bit I suppose. Perhaps it will help someone else someday. 

Prayers and positive thoughts are much appreciated. 

Disappointment in Birth

I've been disappointed in birth a few times. Those times that I consented to an induction or the couple of times I received pain meds. With my natural births and especially my home births I never felt disappointed... Until Oliver. 

The back labor was so intense and I needed so much help from my husband to get through the contractions. The dread I felt over letting the midwife help with the cervical lip. The complete exhaustion. There comes a point in every labor where I've felt "I just can't do this anymore", but this was different. Other times it was mostly mental, the contractions were close and intense and I wanted relief from pain. This time it was mental an physical. I had no energy to get through it. I was utterly exhausted. I needed help. I needed more help than I was willing to admit. 

Looking back I see what I should have done. I should have stayed home and slept instead of shopping. I should have let the midwife help with the lip sooner. I should have eaten more earlier on. I should have asked for more support from my midwife and daughters. If I'd let them know just how much I needed their help I would have gotten it, but I've never needed much help before and so I said nothing. Pride. Very misplaced pride, kept me silent. Well... At least on that point. I was making a great deal of noise. 

After Oliver was born I didn't have that glorious moment that makes all the work worth it. He was limp and unresponsive at first and maybe my concern was what took that moment. Even after that I felt... Disconnected. Oliver could have been anyone's child for all that I felt for him. I felt nothing really. Mechanically, I fed him, diapered him and cuddled him. The cuddling was, I think, an attempt to make myself feel what I thought I should. 

I suffered a bad case of "baby blues". I had panic attacks when my husband had to go back to work. Overwhelmed. Completely, totally overwhelmed that's what I felt. All that I felt. 

The human capacity to "soldier on" is quite amazing. I went through the motions. Said what I was sure people wanted to hear, but inside... 

I finally told my husband and midwife how I felt. My husband soothed and said I was doing a great job taking care of the baby. The midwife helped me come to terms with such a difficult birth. The thing she said that helped the most was that having been through such a difficult and traumatic birth would make me a better midwife- if I ever actually make it there. That's when I remembered that knowing that others understand, that they know what it's like helps so much when you are walking through the fire yourself. 

After about two weeks the blues faded and I was back on a more even keel emotionally. I fell in love with my beautiful baby. I realized that birth doesn't have to be that perfect, romantic experience in order to be positive. 

Romans 8:28 "And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose."

Oliver-two months old

This is a little late. 

Oliver is over two months now. :)

At 2 months he weighed a little over 14 lbs and was 24.5 in long. 

He has discovered these wonderful things that he loves to examine. Hands. :)

He smiles a lot. He doesn't fancy the van very much. He likes being worn. I've managed to figure out a good back carry that makes it much easier for me to get things done while wearing him. I still need help getting him in it but thankfully for me I've plenty of helping hands. :) 

We've taken him to the pool a couple of times. He likes the water. He loves being outside. During his evening fussy time, taking him outdoors usually calms him down. 

Well, here's some pic, that's all anyone ever really wants to see anyway! :P

Letter to the Young Man Interested In One of My Daughters

I probably should have written this a few years ago, but I suppose I've been in a kind of denial that my girls are growing up and not wanting to acknowledge that any boy would be looking at any of my girls with marriage on his mind. (And if he is pursuing one of my girls it had better be marriage on his mind!)

First, Young Man, know that we do not approve of "dating". If you are ever permitted to go on a date with one of my girls it will be chaperoned. By her dad. :P I'm kidding! One of her sisters or maybe one of her brothers. We would prefer that you come over and hang out with us. If you are still interested after being with our crazy, rowdy family for a whole day and can handle her dad's funny, hilarious sense of humor you might have a shot at winning her affection and hand. We also encourage you to have her spend time with your family. 

Second, you must be responsible. Have a job and a plan about how you will provide for a wife and children. You do not have to be rich or have a college degree. You do have to be willing to work and able to keep a job. If you spend your days playing video games never involved in any physical labor and expect your mother to be your housekeeper don't waste our time. 

Third, respect my daughter. Keep your hands to yourself. There will be plenty of time for physical affection AFTER you marry her. :)

Fourth, know that we believe, and expect, that marriage is a lifetime contract. If there are difficulties you will work through them. It might be worth mentioning that we also don't believe in getting a state marriage license. You will marry our daughter not the state. 

Finally, it is required that your bloodline carry the gene for red hair. I want lots of red headed grand babies! 

Okay, so I'm kidding about the red hair... A little. :)

If you can handle all of that you may speak to her dad. :)

Oliver Matthew's Birth (long version)

Monday, April 1, I was very sleepy. I'd some mucus the night before and through the morning but nothing else. The man had been at work but got home around 5 and we went out to do some shopping and then went to Abuelo's and split a quesadilla and a chocolate eruption cake. Yum! I was very tired and in retrospect I should have stayed home and slept, but one last night out with the man before babe arrived was nice. 

After we got home the contractions were a bit stronger but not regular or even that close. I lay down and tried to rest while the man got the kids to bed. 

I woke at midnight to a contraction. After a couple of contractions about 10 minutes apart I decided I would wait until 1 to wake the man and call the midwife. The next contraction changed my mind. Woke the man and called L (the midwife). 

L arrived about 1 am. I was sitting on the birth ball between contractions. I could not sit down during them. I got up and paced during them and then sat down again when they were over. Contractions got closer and stronger not long after L arrived the contractions were 4 min apart lasting over a minute. L was timing them. I remember thinking that it seemed so much longer between when she told me how close they were. I was still chatting between. I'd never felt the need to vocalize in labor before. I did this time. At first I just breathed loudly, by the end I was really yelling. I was hungry so the man made me some of these awesome No Bake Energy Bites. He and Cora ate most of them. :P

I got in the shower for a bit. Then went to the bedroom. The man helped my by doing the hip squeeze durning contractions. I tried sitting on the ball during a contraction and found that very uncomfortable. I spent much of the time kind of in a knee chest postion on the bed. Around 3 or 3:30 I started feeling pushy during ctx. I was having a lot of pain low in front and L said that was likely from a cervical lip. So I didn't push just tried to ride the ctx. I remembered what it was like having someone move that lip and I wasn't anxious to have that done again.

Nothing was comfortable. My back ached and the pain in front made it hard to deal. If the man wasn't squeezing my hips during a ctx I just could not keep it together. I was really yelling/growling during contractions by this time.

So I got in the shower. That didn't help much. The man was a trooper and was there to squeeze my hips with every contraction. I'd been giving little pushes while in the shower. By 5 I was done. Exhausted, it was on the tip of my tongue to say "Take me to the hospital and let them cut me open. I'm done". The contractions during that time brought me to tears and I was really screaming. L could tell I was at the end of my stamina. She asked if she could check to see if there was a cervical lip. I fought that for a couple contractions. Poor L, she wanted to help me so badly and I was not being cooperative. I wanted to do it all myself without help. It was hard to give in and consent to the help I needed. I finally let L check for the lip and there was one, just as she'd suspected for two hours or more. She offered to help get babe's head over the lip and a VitB shot. 

I got the shot and a couple ctx later I felt better. Not so worn out and that I could make it through. We were so close after all. I consented to the help with the lip. It was just as bad as I remember. After that things got moving but even so this was my longest second stage ever. Babe was trying to get turned around and OH MY! Did that hurt! It was odd to feel him moving so consciously  with real purpose trying to get in the correct position. Poor boy had a bruised forehead and ear from that. 

I got out of the tub and was going to try and make it back to the bedroom. Instead I sat on the pot during a few ctx and pushed. I stood up and pushed more. The 'ring of fire' was the worst I'd ever felt. I pushed slower than I would have otherwise. I know L was applying counterpressure so I wouldn't tear. I was doing the same in front because I was really worried I would tear this time. If we had pictures of that scene I'm sure it would be funny. There were five adult size people and a preschooler in our little bathroom. :)

Babe's head came slow and the mw remarked that the head was big. Once the head was out I could tell he was stuck. L said what I knew I needed to do, get on my hands and knees. Down on hands and knees I went and the L eventually had to reach in and grab him while I pushed with all I had. And then some! I remember L asking someone the time. 6:36 am April 2. 

When L passed him to me between my legs I noticed immediately that he was floppy and said so. L said she knew. It was strange that I felt a bit panicked, but my voice sounded calm to me. It didn't take long for him to perk up, but those seconds were slightly terrifying. While still on the floor I looked to see if we had a boy or girl. I stood up and held babe face down on my forearm with his head aimed toward the floor to get him breathing well. There had been meconium in the water that was slightly worrisome. Once he was breathing very well and his color was good. I sat back down on the pot so I could comfortably look at my baby.

He had lots of vernix which surprised me. We'd thought he was 'overdue' but the vernix contradicted that. He wouldn't breastfeed right away. Unlike my other babes he just wasn't interested. He also didn't open his eyes. These things bothered me a little and I worried. I didn't really relax until he'd nursed. The cord was quite short. I was holding him just barely up to my breast and the cord was taut. 

The placenta came awhile later, I'm not really sure of the time. 

It took awhile but we eventually got settled in bed. Babe finally nursed. I've never felt so utterly exhausted or beat up from a birth before- except perhaps after my first. It was more from the bruising I had on my thigh and ankle from the varicose veins I get during pregnancy. All the movement had irritated that. The long pushing had physically worn me out, but the pain from the bruising was more difficult to handle.

Mw called it right after he was born and said he was 10lbs. She was only half an ounce off. :) He was a pound heavier than my next largest baby. We didn't settle on a name for a few days. Oliver was 9 lbs 15.5 oz, 22 inches with a 15 in head.

Pics again:

Me just shy of 12 hours before Oliver was born

 L checking babe over

 Me, Oliver and Sara

 Oliver being weighed

 Cora and Oliver

 Gilbert and Oliver

 Sara, Edward and Oliver

 Oliver nursing

 Wesley and Oliver