I remember after my second having an episode of feeling trapped, the need to flee being overwhelming. I did once walk out of the house. My poor husband didn't know what to think.
After my sixth I had suicidal thoughts. That was exacerbated by things at church and some not so nice letters from a 'friend'. For nearly a year before I became pregnant with babe #6 things had been really good. I wasn't losing my temper with the kids. I didn't get frustrated with my husband. Then I got these letters from someone I counted as my best friend. She basically told me I was a terrible wife and a terrible mother. So I gave up mothering. Kind of just shut down and did only the most basic things for the kids. After about six months of that the pastor of our church (we'd had issues with him being critical of our parenting) told me that my kids were so much better.
Thanks. Nice to know that my kids thrive when I quit mothering them. The truth was that my husband was doing his damnedest to keep the kids away from the pastor and keeping them on a very short leash at church so the pastor wouldn't witness any childish behavior that he deemed 'rebellious'. You can imagine what the pastor's declaration did to my mental and emotional state. I turned into a complete basketcase.
No confidence in my ability to mother anymore and I was pregnant. I tortured myself with those letters. Read them over and over until I had them memorized. I tried to hide this but it would come to the surface at times.
So much of what was going in in my head I never told my husband about so he had no idea that I was in such bad shape. When it would all come bubbling to the surface he dismissed it as just a cry for attention, which I suppose it was in a way but he didn't see how serious the problem was.
So for the last nine years or so I've been barely treading water. Ready to drown. At this point I don't even remember what it was really like when things were good. And it shows in my children. I've kept thinking that I just wasn't spiritual enough that it was sin that made me feel this way. So I didn't try to do anything to help myself. There have been times when I was better and then I would get pregnant again and all the doubt and insecurity would come rising to the surface.
When I became pregnant with Oliver I felt so overwhelmed. My deficiencies as a wife and mother choking the happiness out of me. Anxiety tainted what should have been a joyous time. When he came and I didn't get that wonderful moment after his birth and I felt no emotional connection it just sent me over the edge. I've been a complete mess. It was better after about two weeks postpartum but then in the last month or so it has just gotten so awful.
I realized that I really needed some help when I began to have horrible anxiety when Oliver would nurse at night. I just felt an overwhelming urge to flee. To push him away and run. It took every ounce of willpower I had to just lie there and let him nurse.
So now I'm taking meds. I don't know if I'll keep that up since I'm only on day three and I feel like crap. Weak and tired. Crampy muscles and a vicious headache. If all that is from the meds I think I'll stop taking them.
This has gotten longer than I intended so I'll stop for now.
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2 comments:
My deepest sympathies for you! I don't have much time to write this an English isn't my first language, but I'll try to manage... I'm also a mum and I've battling with anxioty and depression ever since I was a teen ager. I have had a difficult life: dealing with a parent's divorce and losing a sister and father in 2 different accidents. I have taken anti depression medication for a quite a time. I have been on and off for 11 years. Many anti depr. meds take time to "kick in" I have always felt like crap for about 2 weeks, before they start to settle. So have a talk with your doctor about your type of meds and what kind of side symptoms it causes in the beginning. My other advice would be to skip sugar (it makes the depression worse in my case) and cafein (it's a no no for people with anxiety disorder). Fish oil capsules might and exercise might help too! Blessings to you and hopefully you'll feel better soon. Have mercy on yourself!
-Hanna
Hang in there! There's no shame in asking for help. I think medication for depression has this bad stigma about it in Christian circles. I don't know why that is, but you, of all people, are not one to misuse prescribed medicine. Medicine is used for a reason! So take advantage of it and don't give up if one particular brand doesn't work right away. It may take trial and error to find what works best for you! You are a wonderful mother--who cares enough for herself, her husband, and her children to do what's best for everyone! That is really saying something! Praying for you!
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