I've a feeling of déjà vu

I am quite shocked. Oliver is only 10 mos old. We weren't being careful because, well because the baby wasn't even a year yet and I've never worried about being careful before a year. So here we are again and I'm even more convinced that it is wicked lies that a woman's fertility declines with age. 

Sara (5 yrs old) is over the moon excited. She's been asking for a girl baby since the day Oliver was born. All I've got to say is that this baby had better be a girl. 

Parenting Trials

I don't even know where to begin.

All this stuff floating around in my head. Keeping me up at night. 

I've been a pretty lousy parent in a lot of ways. 

Yesterday, during a discussion with some of my kids, my eldest daughter (19 years old) recalled an incident. Her perspective on that event left me feeling mortified. What had I done? How could I have so little regard for her feelings? How did she hold her ground against that onslaught?

What I did was take the word of an adult bully. I disregarded her feelings because she was a child, and therefore less. She has an amazing moral fibre. 

What started the whole mess was two fold. Firstly, kids are literalists. Secondly, many, or even most, adults see anything that a child does that isn't expressly permitted as being 'rebellious'. 

This tyrant that I allowed to have too much influence over my parenting and life in general saw every childish thing my kids did as rebellion or defiance. A two year old tapping a window pane with a dumdum. A five year old trying to do as her mother told her. A child entertaining himself for two minutes when his mother let the church door close (which automatically locked) accidentally and he was inside and his mother was out. A girl obeying, to the letter, his verbal instructions but not his intent. 

I am so slow. This must be why I've so many kids. I'm so dense God knows I need extra chances to get it right. He's trying to drum something into my stupid head. :P

What I've realized is that I've acted like a bully. Treated my children like less. Taken personal offense over childish things. Taught my children to be ungrateful and angry. 

I hate what I've been. I want so much to be better. I remember a time when things were better. When I was happy. My husband was happy. My kids were happy. We had so much fun together then. It was brief. Less than a year. Then I let someone else's condemnation drag me so much deeper into despair than I'd ever been. I've been trying to claw my way out of that pit for over nine years. 

Now, I'm a mess. My husband is stressed. My children are angry. 

This must not go on, but I'm so lost about where to begin. How can I mend these relationships? How can I live with joy?

to be continued...

Life Is Going

Things have been pretty good. 

I see a counselor every other week, well it was every other week we'll be every four weeks after this. That has been helpful. 

Still using the progesterone cream but only once a day now. All the supplements and such I'm still using. 

It is nice to actually feel like doing things again. :) I've been doing more of the housework. Have been planning the menu and doing some cooking.  Went to city council meetings two weeks in a row. Also going to a weekly bible study with some friends. 

There are still times when I feel down or overwhelmed, but it's still better than where a was a few months ago. 

Big news is a possible move. We are frantically getting our house ready to sell in hopes of being able to buy a house. The house we are wanting is 5 bdrms 3 ba. On 3/4 of an acre. In the city. Nice neighborhood. The house needs a lot of work but the price, location and size are all just what we are looking for. God willing everything will work out. 

Oliver is 7 mos now. Crawling. Pulling up. Getting teeth. So cute and chubby and such a happy boy! :)

Life is good. 

Sickness

We've been passing strep around at our house for about two months. Cora got it twice. I thought I was going to escape, but no. I was so sick. Ended up at the urgent care and got 2 liters of fluid and some IV antibiotics. Plus the shot I'd gotten the first time I went to the UC and oral pills as well. God willing we have it licked now. 

I missed my appointment with the counselor last week because of being sick. I have an appointment in an hour and a half. I didn't make much progress on my 'homework'. 

Good things: Kyla will be getting a car next week and hopefully her regular license soon after that. Emma has been helping the man at the office. And this week I will start going to a weekly Bible study with some friends. 

Oh! Edward has been using the toilet! He's doing quite well. I'm glad I've not pushed him. This way of letting them figure it out in their own is much less stressful than 'training' them. :)

Therapy and Stuff

Tuesday was my first appointment with a counselor. I've never been to any kind of counseling before so I had no idea what to expect. We talked, well mostly I talked. She gave me 'homework'. :)

Reading through the article and the directions made me feel better. With some goal, some way to combat the negative feelings I have. A rut. That's what I've been in. A rut of always thinking  the most negative thoughts and dwelling on the wrong things. Allowing myself to give in to the worst thoughts. 

The supplement regimen seems to be doing the trick for keeping me on a more even keel emotionally. I have bad moments, or maybe hours, now, not bad days. 

In other news...

It was a very busy week. Tuesday night the five oldest kids, Oliver and myself went to the full moon hike in the canyon. That was fun. On two nights we all walked to the park. Thursday I went to a playdate thing for a babywearing group and learned a couple new carries. This morning (Friday) we went to yard sales. 

I will be really glad when everyone is well again. We've been battling strep for a month and a half! That's getting old. 

Cora started doing 'school' with the little kids. They've enjoyed it. Sara is very excited about writing letters. Now if we can just convince her that 'A' is not the only letter in the alphabet! LOL

It's late so g'night. :)