Parenting Trials

I don't even know where to begin.

All this stuff floating around in my head. Keeping me up at night. 

I've been a pretty lousy parent in a lot of ways. 

Yesterday, during a discussion with some of my kids, my eldest daughter (19 years old) recalled an incident. Her perspective on that event left me feeling mortified. What had I done? How could I have so little regard for her feelings? How did she hold her ground against that onslaught?

What I did was take the word of an adult bully. I disregarded her feelings because she was a child, and therefore less. She has an amazing moral fibre. 

What started the whole mess was two fold. Firstly, kids are literalists. Secondly, many, or even most, adults see anything that a child does that isn't expressly permitted as being 'rebellious'. 

This tyrant that I allowed to have too much influence over my parenting and life in general saw every childish thing my kids did as rebellion or defiance. A two year old tapping a window pane with a dumdum. A five year old trying to do as her mother told her. A child entertaining himself for two minutes when his mother let the church door close (which automatically locked) accidentally and he was inside and his mother was out. A girl obeying, to the letter, his verbal instructions but not his intent. 

I am so slow. This must be why I've so many kids. I'm so dense God knows I need extra chances to get it right. He's trying to drum something into my stupid head. :P

What I've realized is that I've acted like a bully. Treated my children like less. Taken personal offense over childish things. Taught my children to be ungrateful and angry. 

I hate what I've been. I want so much to be better. I remember a time when things were better. When I was happy. My husband was happy. My kids were happy. We had so much fun together then. It was brief. Less than a year. Then I let someone else's condemnation drag me so much deeper into despair than I'd ever been. I've been trying to claw my way out of that pit for over nine years. 

Now, I'm a mess. My husband is stressed. My children are angry. 

This must not go on, but I'm so lost about where to begin. How can I mend these relationships? How can I live with joy?

to be continued...